The Super Rare

Owning up to me.

2011-11-13T22:06:00.001-06:00

Last night I was curled up on thebed of one of my dearest friends. We were talking about a lot of things, someheavy with the weight of reality, others light with joy and laughter. Topicsvaried, but I’m sure most people my age talk about these things. By the timeour visit came to an end it was one in the morning and I needed to go to sleep.The thing is I couldn’t sleep. For some reason my thoughts just wouldn’t stop. Ithought about things that I allow to hold me back from doing things, how nomatter what words I type I always let fear dictate to me how I’m going to live.I thought of the past that I’m forever bound to and I thought about how one dayI’m going to answer for a few things that the past holds. I thought about thequestions I can’t seem to get answer to, and about how I really needed to learnto control my thoughts. All my flaws and sins came to visit me and I had towonder what God ever really saw in me in the first place.

About 20 some hours later I’mcleaning my bathroom, thinking, and putting off my homework. I’ve had apre-thanksgiving dinner with my friends (college style), I’ve found my mom agift that should cheer her up (times maybe hard but I’ll always try to make hersmile), and I’m looking forward to the coming weeks that are going to be crazyand yet filled with fun. I see my future a little clearer, there are some bumpsin the road and there are problems I face, but I’ve nowhere to go but up. Sofrom all the jumbled up stuff I just wrote here’s what I want to own up toabout myself:

1. I don’t think like everyone else.

2. My thoughts are sometimes not very logical and occasionallymake no sense.

3. I feel dumb at chess

4. I really need to finish some books I’ve startedreading.

5. I may audit math….

6. I need to stop gossiping.

7. I need to stop procrastinating

8. I’m afraid to date.

9. I need to edit and post a ton of pics.

10. I’m afraid because my grandparents are gettingolder and they aren’t like they used to be.

11. I’m tired of remembering the bad; I want toremember the good.

12. I want to stop being afraid to talk to people

13. I want to learn to be a good/ differentjournalist.

14. But I think I may want to do PR.

15. I can’t wait to see what God has planned forRestoration.

16. I am so grateful for that moment when one of myfriends and I were talking about our crazy families and I confided in my fearof being alone and she told me that I’m a little too awesome for that tohappen.

17. I want to know what it is God wants me to dowith my life.

18. I want to be hugged.

19. I’m so amazed by God and how he can create beautifullife and how he can bless some of the kindest people with it.

20. I really need to get rid of my grammar errors!!

Between The Lines: Coffee Memo

2011-11-13T21:16:00.000-06:00

Between The Lines: Coffee Memo: Note to Self - Stop for coffee on way into town . Pulled into parking lot. Stopped between two white lines providing limited space ...

Bidding my heartbreak goodbye

2011-11-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

I’ve written in this blog before about my love of missionswork and how I’ve never really been able to serve like I want to. It has causedme great heartbreak over the years, because, to me, life is about serving God. Opportunitieshave come up many times, but things would never seem to work out, or I wouldmake excuses on why I wasn’t able to do them. Things like, I can’t afford it,or I’m not the type that could do any good. My excuses were weak and pointless;all they told people was that I was only willing to confess my love of God to acrowd of like believers. Last year was especially hard on me. There wereliterally moments when I just wanted to pack my bags and go to the ends of theearth and serve God. I didn’t want tosit in a classroom and just exist in my nice life. Yes, Even though times aregetting so hard for me and my family, I’ve still got it good. My mom still hasa part time job and we somehow still make it. Other people however aren’tmaking it. Which leads me to what I want to share with you right now:

I have decided to stop living in fear of myself and whatlife will bring me. If I’m going to live, then it needs to start NOW. Not whenI leave college, not after I get a job, but NOW. Whenever people ask me why Ialways seem to dress so nicely even when it’s just a crummy Monday I exclaim tothem that “I could die today!”

What I’ve remembered in Fashion I’ve forgotten in Life..... . .untilnow.

This December as most of my classmates leave for their longawaited and highly anticipated Christmas holiday, I and some other awesome and amazingpeople will stay at college for a week longer and do Restoration, which isdoing projects in Marion and throughout Perry county. This week will entailhard work, sweat, and whatever else the Lord has planned. I’m looking forwardto helping put this together and actually doing the work.

Tonight as I was in the leadership meeting I heard someonemention missions and I prepared myself for the familiar heartbreak that alwaysfollows, it never came, it was then I realized I’ve taken the first step. If thisis the beginning then my sadness is ~~gone~~.

oh these moments :)

2011-10-19T00:14:00.005-05:00

I want to share with you some moments from my day. I know on Facebook I have a bit of a habit of doing “that moment when” statuses and that’s what this post will be like.

That moment in Brit. Lit when the teacher says one word that you just weren’t expecting and while some people are frowning you are smiling and tapping a friend on the shoulder to remind them of that one weekend where you had this adventure and it all goes back to that word.

That moment when the friend you are so far from starts a 56 comment long post on someone’s page and it takes you back to the greatness you had only a year ago, and you feel like that person is sitting next to you laughing with you.

That moment when you realize that you have decreased your shower time down to 15 mins and this gives you more time to sleep.
that moment in Digital photography when everyone agrees that your fave picture is your best.

That moment when you realize that your critiques you receive in above mentioned class are for your benefit and you should not take it personally (as in hurt your feelings) but you should take it to heart and work on getting better.

That moment when you call your friend to come help you at work because your boss joking told you to and you proceed to laugh about stuff with your friend.
that moment in Chapel when you realize how good your friends are to you because they will say things to you out of love…and occasionaly smack you.

That moment when you blabber the most random thoughts to your roommate and she just looks at you and laughs…seriously I shouldn’t be awake past certain times or I will talk about why you shouldn’t be awake and if you melt on the floor I can do like the guy off Flubber the movie and make you into flubber, but I would like that car, and really if we where like the people from flubber that robot thing could do some of our work for us….

and finally that moment when you are looking forward to the moment when you can sit on a couch with a bunch of your friends and Watch NCIS.

these are the moments from the last 24 hors that have made my life grand. just thought I would share them with you

One of those days

2011-10-10T00:18:00.001-05:00

It’s one of those days when I learn more about myself. I woke up at the crack of dawn to go on an adventure with my younger sister before I left to go back to school. She discovered this bridge and thought it would make epic pictures for me, she was right. :) It was fun driving around with her, then after bridge pictures (and one trespassing moment) we went for coffee and I packed my things to go back to my beloved college. it’s an hour’s drive to get there and in that time I tried not to think (I’ve been doing too much of that lately). However, my try was in vain, there’s just too much going on. For instance, My sister is engaged, she’s not getting married for a while yet but it’s going to happen one day. Honestly, I didn’t expect this day to be coming so soon, just like my Godsons, are they really supposed to grow that fast? I mean come on, I was there when they were born! was it really THAT long ago? But yet the oldest is walking and can practically have a talk with you, when did this happen?? the youngest is crawling I swear to jimmy buffet he was JUST born, yea so it Christmas time but I swear it was just yesterday!!
Also, what’s with older people and their need to know my relationship status? I pinky promise you it’s worse that FACEBOOK! It’s like this:
“So who are you seeing?”
“No one”
“No one?!” *almost heart attack face*
“Yes, No One”
“Why Not???!!”
“Because……”
“You’re not getting any younger!”
“I”M 20!!!”
“That’s how old I was when I got married!!”
“I’m sorry??” *Blank Stare*
umm so what ever happened to just letting things happen, to letting God’s will be done? oh buuuut you don’t want to say that to them unless you want to get the “old guy in a flood story” and trust me you’re in for it on that one my friend!
The truth is I’m not really looking for anyone and I wouldn’t know what to do if I was. For instance, a few weeks ago, my heart was stolen by a Cadet. DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES!! I had no control over it, he was playing the guitar and singing my FAVE songs, it was lovely, just lovely. I never spoke to him, just listened to him and some of my friends talk. I let it go as just one of those moments where you get to see that there is hope, that I’m incapable of being interested (is that the word you’re supposed to use? dear heavens, I’m hopeless!! tell no one you read this!!)

Anyways, I told my friends about it and I realized that I never spoke to him because I’m a chicken, yes, yes, you read that right, I admit to being a chicken. I just can’t seem to gather nerve to talk to people, because underneath this happy bubbly person, is a shy person. You knew it, the person across the room from you knew it the only one who didn’t know was me. Now after doing a few totally silly and shy person like things, I’ve learned that I’m not likely to change overnight, but because of all of this I have discovered an amazing artist who I ADORE! thank you, epic cadet, who will never know about any of this for unknowingly introducing me to Jarle Bernhoft :)
okey dokey, that’s enough of this for now, I’m off to dreamland for a few winks then it’s off to conquer Monday. BTW by the time I post this it will be my Best friend/ brother person’s 20th birthday, happy birthday Stan aka Ethan! I wish you many happy days and I look forward to being there for some of them.

I said too much...

2011-09-25T00:44:00.002-05:00

Tonight I got the wonderful chanceto eat dinner with my Judson big Sister and my Twin and it was nice. But As Iwas walking back to my dorm, I had a thought that I’ve had for the last fewyears, whenever I walk away from a social encounter “I said to much”. At timesI’m a people person, I can really shine in a crowd, but on the flip side ofthat I can dominate a conversation and spend hours talking about myself. Upondeeper reflection I think about what kind of person this makes me, I ask myselfwhy I talk so much and at time I feel as though I say too much and yet nothingat all. then sometimes I can talk too much about the wrong thing: too muchnegativity, too much gossip, and too much seriousness. I’ve asked my oldestfriends about how they feel about my incessant need to talk and the answer ismixed, at times it’s a comfort, sometimes my friends will call me and ask me tojust babble. I have a lot to work on this year as a person, but that’s a partof growing up I’m learning: constantly improving who you are, but now I thinkit’s time for me to improve myself for his glory and not my own. It’s hard to let go of all that I have beenfor all that I can be in him. But yet it should have been the first thing Idid. Maybe I should try not to talk fora day and see how that goes…

Catching you up.

2011-09-16T23:38:00.000-05:00

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve always wanted to be a writer, everyday I think about writing, sometimes when things happen to me in my life I think about how I would write things, between you and me even when I imagine things I think about how I would write about it. A lot of times I undermine my desire to write with the thought that whatever I would write, I wouldn’t be the first to write it, doubt is by far my worst enemy . However these days I’m under the impression that even though I not be the first person to say something these are still my thoughts and feelings.

This past summer has been a real growing experience. Even in times of trouble my family has managed to show their true colors and I’ll be honest with you, there were some that I just didn’t see coming. My little sister for instance has come to my aide several times when she didn’t even have to, usually when this happens I have to hear about it for the rest of my life, but instead, I didn’t even know it was her and when I did she never brought it up. It seems college changes us all. I’m still trying to get to know my older sister. I was hesitant at first to get to know her, not because of her, but because of our father, I’ve gone so long without that part of my family that now as an older person it’s all so new and strange. There are moments when I swear we are twins, we do things so alike, but yet she is so much wiser than me, she has all this experience. She knows what it is to do the things I now find myself going through. Sure it was years ago but the lessons are still the same, she can see through my got it together face and she knows just what to say. The first time I told her I loved her I was afraid, but I meant it, I put my heart out there and she understood my position. We aren’t so different her and I, and yet, we are.

This semester here at school will be my toughest yet. I can’t pull my usual freshman half effort, this year I have to really work, not only that but this is one of the strongest semesters tradition wise, this semester makes or breaks you tradition wise. It’s so tough, I stay up late and wake up early, I’ve forgotten about a class, slept through work, and found myself with absolutely no time to chill. You would think I would be ready to quit, But I don’t, I have so much going for me right now I want to see it through. I’m spending time with people I don’t usually and my “girls” and I are adjusting to a new level of our closeness, my epic roommate is far far away, and the other girls and I are trying to balance our lives and still be the same we have always been,

This is my life for the moment, its busy, I’m constantly being tested and I’m growing up. The biggest thing I’m going through at the moment is this choice that I need to make, to give up trying to control everything in my life and give it God. I find myself struggling and constantly in thought (what’s new??)

All that I am or Moon River

2011-06-28T14:26:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I was on the phone with one of the college’s librarians, who was reminding me of my unspeakable crime against books and the entire institution of librarians everywhere: overdue books. The librarian treated it like a kind chat (she’s really kind and wise and very understanding) in my head I was fussing at myself for being twenty years old and being so irresponsible. After we concluded our business she sweetly asked of the status of my summer, and for some reason I honestly told her that I was disappointed by not being able to work and that I felt like I wasn’t achieving anything at home. I was expecting an “oh it will get better” or something along those lines, but instead she very wisely says that maybe there was a reason for this, that God has a plan. Since that phone call I’ve thought very often and deeply on her words. Though it wasn’t till today that the answer finally came; when it comes to the “gunfight” I mentioned in the previous post, well, let’s just say it’s started. Today I found myself seated across from my mother and had the most illuminating moment of why I’ve been unable to cross my line, why I’m not able to become who I’m meant to be. I’ve only allowed my present conditions to be blamed for my inability to cross. In other words, I’m facing my present problems and not my past ones. I’m only treating what’s on the surface not what’s underneath.

Underneath my problems are other problems that I would rather just forget, in fact that’s what I thought I did. To see them and feel them again was painful for me, I tried to handle it the best I could and was quite fearful to share those problems with even my mom. As I spoke of them for the first time in over a decade I realized the mark that those problems had left on me, I suddenly understood why I do some of the things I do. Behaviors that I’ve had for years and could never explain suddenly had a rhyme and a reason. Most of my life I’ve compartmentalized. This is my childhood, this is my teen years, in my mind I was almost a completely different person, and there was no need for all of that to be the same person. Now it’s all the same person. Those things make me, well me. My reflection carries not only who I am but who I used to be (metaphorically speaking).

In order for me to cross the line between who I am and who I want to be I have to accept all of who I am, from birth to present. I’m like an old Victorian house that’s been boarded up against the elements and people, I’ve built barriers to keep hurt and people out, and now it’s time for me to go through and take down the boards and barriers, to deal with my problems, accept myself, open my heart to many things. For instance: my relationship with my older sister, stop worrying about losing my amazing friends and just enjoy the moments that we are together, make peace with my dad, and to know that in spite of all that I am I am loved by a God so great and mighty.

My original intent was not to post this, I was just going to write it and save it. However as I typed this post Audrey Hepburn was singing “Moon River” and she reminded me that we are all after the same rainbow. So to that line that seems “wider than a mile” to me, just know “I’m crossing you in style someday”. Just know that when I do I’ll cross with all that I am.

Like a diamond, I’m under pressure, but I’m shining through

2011-05-20T11:12:00.001-05:00

Right now the pungent smell of spray paint will attack you should you walk into my yard, my iTunes is playing random songs in one instant you can hear Dave Matthews band and the next proceed to be serenaded by Jennifer Hudson. Its evening time so things are kind of quite on my country lane…well as quite as it can get in Southwest Alabama. My sister will walk out the door every few minutes announce that I cease all spraying walk by muttering something about my “Weirdness”, get something from my mom’s van and walk back into the house. I ignore her mutterings knowing that just a year ago I was in her shoes. I can’t believe she graduates in less than a week! Speaking of which I need to start making encouraging signs and call the family with gentle reminders…. Lol my job is never done. Speaking of which I still haven’t heard from any of the places I’ve applied for. My roommates will Skype me telling me how she is in the same situation hundreds of miles away. They say we’re getting out of this recession but I would really like to know who they are sometimes and where in the name of Jimmy Buffet they’re getting their information from. My mom just started getting her hours cut, it’s scary right now because I’m dreading the day where they just call her and tell her there is no more work for her. My heart races every time the phone rings and I just pray that things will work out. I knew this would be a tough summer for us, I had prepared myself for hard times just like when I was younger but now that’s its actually here I can’t help but feel like its going to be a lot rougher.

The day before yesterday I was driving the kids home from school when we came upon a kitten on the road it was moving and we went to check on it, it had been thrown out of a car but it was injured in a way that we felt like it could have been saved. We rushed to my mom who rushed to the nearest Vet office 2o minutes away from out hometown. We made better time than that getting there, but it was all in vain. As we got there and explained to the nurse that we had found it and that it needed emergency care she hardly looked from her computer and told us the doctor had just walked into see a dog and wouldn’t be out for a while, my mom asked for the nurse to check the kitten in and she would pay for the doctor to do what he could to save it. The nurse slid a clipboard over and went back to her computer, then informed my mom that all services would have to be paid up front. My mom explained that she could pay them Friday, then woman finally looks up from her computer and in tone that borderlines rude, that it doesn’t work like that….. I had to walk out of the office at that point. I was beyond upset, the woman wouldn’t even look at the animal much less care about the poor thing, the only thing she cared about is money, she made that clear to my mom. I looked in the glass window as my mom hand the urse the kitten, she had to declare it abandoned just so the doctor could look at it, the nurse make a disgusted face as she was gently handed the kitten and I watch was she passed it off to another nurse… Hearing her voice and her tone reminded me of that old nursing teacher who would tell me that nursing was about making money that I shouldn’t care about my patients. It like a lifetime ago that I decided not to be a nurse. I don’t regret all the work I did to achieve what I did, but I do wish I could have known how it all would end, I wish I would have choose years ago to just do what made me happy. I sat in my car and just cried, wishing that this world was less about trying to make money and more about doing the right thing. I understand that that woman has to make a living but I could have done without the I don’t care attitude. But more and more as I go to stores and businesses they have this I don’t care about my customers or the quality of my products and it just frustrates me. I wish I lived in the days where keeping your word as a business and as a professional of any kind meant something. You know were trying to be honorable was a life pursuit…….. My sister tells me when I talk about things like this I sound old fashioned and she just wants to laugh at me. Regardless of other people’s opinions I feel like more and more that whatever I do as my career, I shouldn’t do it for the money. Because even though I may not be the richest person at least I will be happy, at least I will be able to look myself in the mirror and know I didn’t sell out the ability to do the right thing for a few dollars. Call me crazy but at the end of my life, I’d like to be rich in values and good friends and family than the latest fashion and material possessions. Ok ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now. I didn’t mean to bombard you will all this but I needed to let it go.

For someone unemployed I sure am busy. I wake up almost every morning to take my sister and Godbrother to school, then it’s a full day of chores and errands for my mom and Grandparents. I’m taking the next few days off however because there’s alot of things I have to do for myself. I still haven’t really unpacked, and I’m redoing my room, making it my home again. I’m getting a chance to do projects I’ve been wanting to do for years and next weekend I get to spend some time celebrating Probie’s graduation (Probie is what I call my little sister) and I get to spend time with my godsons!

Ok folks so that’s my wonderful world for the moment, if you wouldn’t mind sending up a kind prayer that I get a job I would be grateful for it. I hope things are ok on your side of the screen, some of your faces I miss like crazy some of your faces I have never met but no matter who you are I hope you’re ok and if not I’m sending you a *hug*. If you’re going through some hard times then I’d like to tell you that good things will come out of it, it’s sort of like how it takes a lot of pressure to make diamonds, times will be rough but we’ll get by and we’ll be better for it in the end.

Best Buy, Wrong guy, still single!

2011-05-08T20:45:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: No one was hurt in the making of this Blog post- pride was damaged on both sides, but it will survive. If you find any Grammar errors please forgive, I’m the e.e. cummings of journalism/blogging/writing, a rebel with a dysfunctional spell check….

I’m 20 years old. Yea that’s right I’ve been living and surviving 7300 days and I’ve never dated or had a boyfriend. Oh sure there was that one time when I was 16 when I found myself seated across from a guy I was being given attention by, it was ok, if by ok you mean the fact he was a year younger than myself and his “Ex-girlfriend” joined us like 3 minutes later for lunch (I’d prefer if we just called that my most awkward moment of existence, if you don’t mind) so for all intents and purposes I’ve never dated or been in a relationship. This is a fact that has been my confidences’ murder for many years. My pillow has collect many tears of my lonely state. I couldn’t get guys to open doors for me or treat me like a human being much less talk to me, or better still love me. I used to Hide in my room, not wanting to go out for Friday night dinner with my family for fear of having to put up with the sight of young people on dates. The worst part is that my sister has this super-human ability to walk into a store to get a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread, and walk out with all that plus a doting boyfriend….. My Besties would declare whom ever had the luck to marry me would never have a dull moment and that I would have a very interesting family, my college “Kids” would look at me and tell me I would be the woman that would find the best husband among us who would really love me for me. I always told myself that by the end of my freshman year of college I would go out on a date and have a boyfriend, but yet at the beginning of my freshman year I discovered that most of the college age guys I was around never actually left high school and those that had well they were the epic guys that already had epic girls. My year passed by with the occasional reminder of my singleness, my dear friends would patiently put up with the tears that followed and gently reminded me my day would come, one day one week before finals I thought my day had come.

I was hunting for my dream camera at the local Best Buy, very proud of myself for driving the speed limit for once and for running errands at a normal rate, proud because I would be back at school before my friends where any wiser. He was trying to figure out what an external hard drive was and why on earth you would have to back your computer up. The store clerk was talking up pixels to me, when he bumped into me (literally). I dropped the notebook I was writing in and he dropped the small external drive he was carrying. I caught the drive, my notebook fell to the floor and my newspaper clipping of epic articles (and one or two of my own) scattered a few feet. I prepared myself for the appropriate “excuse me” and started to pick up my notebook and its contents, I almost had it all when I noticed I was missing one of my own I juggle the drive and my notebook looking around and find the guy to be reading a section of it. I stared bewildered at him as he chuckled at my work, “not a fan of grammar, I see”. I immediately jump to my defensive side and reach out of my clipping “I prefer to think of myself as a modern e.e comings of journalism”. H e then looks up from my clipping, unfolds it and sees the picture of me at the top. An apologetic look crossed his face and I just smiled. “One day I’ll be married to the correct form of grammar, but for now I’m a rebel without spell check”. Then for the first time in all my years of communicating with guys I just “clicked” with him, it wasn’t planned and I didn’t have to be anyone but myself. We walked a block to Starbucks, he ordered his addiction and I ordered mine. Minutes later we were swapping the usual chit chat, making sure the person sitting across from us wasn’t on America’s Most Wanted. Seconds turn to minutes and those turned into 1 hour and 15 minutes.

I later found myself driving back to school, one more number in my cell and a smile that just couldn’t go away. We didn’t stop texting for days, swapping stories and quotes. It was nice getting to know someone who was my actual age, whose unstalker-ness I could confirm with friends of friends. I decided not to tell my friends or my family. This was something nice that I achieved without anyone’s help and I didn’t want him to turn out to be a dud before I gave him the Bestie’s test. One day out of the blue he asks me out, on a pre-date of sorts. Anywhere I wanted to go. This was a huge step for me . I sat for hours thinking about it. I then decided that we would have our “pre-date” in the town my college was located, I wanted to be smart about it (after all I had just met the guy), so I arranged for a friend to come and sit in the same Café we would be eating at, and at any moment if I gave her the signal she would give me the escape call. The day came and I found myself almost telling my friends at lunch I pushed my food around the plate and one of my friends almost had it all figured out, but then they were distracted by a batman discussion.

The Pre-date was going pretty good until we got to the discussion of our hopes and dreams; his were simple and had been figured out for him by his parents. He had his whole life mapped out on dollar signs, I wasn’t too disappointed, I had met people like this before, they would eventually do what they wanted so I just let it go. But then the discussion turned to my hopes and dreams. I told him all about it, how I wanted to work hard and have this simple yet epic life, how I was wanted to be a PR woman, that I loved photography and fashion. That I loved journalism and dreamt of days were I could work to achieve my purpose in life, I talked about the hurdles I faced and how I knew that after a ton of hard work and some heartbreak I knew I could achieve my dreams. To which this guy laughs… at me… in my face. He laughed because girls like me didn’t become PR women, we didn’t do Epic anything and the fashion we so loved we would never be able to fit in. He smile sweetly and labeled me a dreamer, then informed me that nursing was the fastest growing career in America…He then discussed our “Budding relationship” how he felt like I was a sweet girl and he felt like since we hit it off so well we would be great together, after I got over my silliness. I sat in under shock, too shocked to give the signal, I had this date thing mapped out a million ways(I was ready for him to have taken me out on a bet), but had never charted this. He goes on rambling and I lose myself in thoughts wondering how on earth I could have missed his biggest flaw…he was the predictable jerk. I then scalded myself a bit because that’s really harsh, to call a guy who is my brother is Christ a jerk that is until he made the statement that he was “the best I can do”. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I picked up my purse tossed some money on the table and stood and for the first time in my entire life I stood before someone and stood up for myself in a way that I was proud of. I looked him straight in the eyes and spoke as clearly as I could.

“You’re not the best I can do; the best I can do is someone that respects me as a person. Someone who respects me as an individual who is trying to be fully realized, I’m a person with hopes and dreams that I won’t stop achieving just because you say it’s silly, you think this country was created on rational thoughts or a rebellion of the norm? You will not change me or my beliefs, and if you are truly the best I can do then I don’t want it!”

I walked out and my friend followed. She commented on my failed attempt at a Hollywood moment and I asked her to remind me of this day if I ever try to give up. She hugged me tried to bring me comfort, we watched him leave and just as he was out of sight I thanked her for her “Rescue Services”. We joke around and she checks on me one more time before she headed home.

A few days after this, I found myself sitting on the bed of another friend who I have amazing “God talks” with, pouring my heart out about my disgruntled feelings of love. I still hadn’t told anyone (including her), I didn’t want to tell my friends because it all fell apart and they would take offense by all of it (the best intentions are the ones that will get you). They were all so happy with their boyfriends (and even my SINGLEST friend found herself booked one summer night) I didn’t want to go to them and say that I failed to get to where they were. That night I spoke words to that wise friend of my fears of being single, I spoke of it as though it were a punishment, we talk through it for a long while and I walked away thinking that maybe being single wasn’t quite the punishment I made it out to be. I wish I had some epic tagline for my thoughts but it’s just like this.

Each of us have our own love story, some of us won’t have a significant other. But we all have God, he loves us more than anything and he has proven this in many ways and continues to prove it. For right now, I’m going to stop working on my relationship Status on FACEBOOK and start working on that relationship with God. As for my Best buy-wrong guy, he ran back to T-Town and declared me crazy to our mutual friends one of which having heard his side stated that “he just didn’t have any Super Rareness”

I’m 20 years old, I’ve lived a bunch of days and for one of the first of those days I’m happily single…….

Packing

2011-04-22T15:59:00.000-05:00

This morning I dozed in and out of sleep as my roommate packed for her Easter weekend. She hopped on me an hour later and announced it was time to start my day. I got up got dressed walked back into my room and realized “I need to start packing”. Out of all the moments in the past year this was the one I hadn’t given a lot of thought to, In my own way I wanted to deny this moment’s existence. I never wanted to think about leaving my freshman year of college….how do you end possibly the best year of your life? How do you say goodbye to the girls you’ve literally LIVED with for the past nine months? This summer is going to be something else I tell you. I’m really praying I get a job, but even more so I’m praying that everything works out and that by the end of the summer I can come back to my dearest Judson and start my Jun/Soph. year. I don’t even know where I’m going to start when it comes to packing. Which memory do I box first? The moment I met the girls that I now call my “kids”? The first time I realized that I was loved by them? The first time I cried because I missed my soul mate or the moment I realized I wouldn’t see him all summer? Is it the moment I saw my mom for the amazing human she is, or the moment I choose to let go of the things holding me back from my dream? I think it’s a good thing there’s no one is my room right now, it gives me time to slowly go over the past year, to go through whatever emotion happens and praise God that these moments even happened. If this is only the beginning, then I am truly blessed.

I had a moment (well actually it was 2 hours) that I got to talk to a dear friend and fellow blogger and we put our hearts for the other to see. We discovered that we were not too far from each other when it came to situations in life. God had been planning this moment for a long time, you can tell by the things we talked about that it was meant to happen. One of the things we talked about was Love. I needed that more than anything else and she presented me with a thought I hadn’t had to gall to think. We talked about God’s glory and our search for our purposes. In the end we had successfully procrastinated our English and math studying time and neither of us felt guilty for it.

If you’ll excuse me I have some packing to do and some memories to go through then I’m heading home for Easter weekend. He is risen!

Another piece has been broken and that line is so much closer.

2011-04-04T14:25:00.000-05:00

These days it seems like for me to understand something, you have to show me and say it a few times. This applies in both my life and my education. Why? Because I’ve been able for YEARS to get away with memorization. When it comes to school work, just copy the teacher and I’m ok. When it comes to life just learn from other peoples mistakes. But when it comes to my faith I just can’t fake it. I dare not try anymore like I used to when I was a kid. I’m honest with people when I say I was raised with all those cliqued bible stories and I know a lot of REALLY good Sunday school answers. But now I know it’s not going to work anymore. One of the reasons I stopped going to church when I was younger is I grew tired of faking for people. I felt like it wasn’t real (now when I say that, I don’t mean I didn’t believe, I did and still do, I’ve always loved god and at times, feared him).

What I’m saying is, my family wasn’t rich we didn’t or couldn’t wear American eagle and all those other brands, things like this where important to the people that influenced me when I was younger. I just got tired of my entire faith being a standard of cloths, vacations, and being a perfect child in a perfect family. Years later I learned my childish flaw in this, I made my faith on the actions of others not my relationship with God. Now I’m more passive in my faith, in that I’m not super concerned with fellowship, because I fear that standard being put out again and I know that I’ll never meet that standard and I’m not so sure I ever wanted to. This is something I’ve come to regret, because now it feels as though church is like it was when I was younger, and if I did go back the people I knew so well they would be strangers. But I need fellowship now more than ever, so I think I’ll take that chance, because the only standards I’m seeking to meet is Gods. I can’t help but wonder at times, am I growing or am I degenerating?

Ok I don’t know why I just rambled like that because that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Today while at breakfast one of my friends ask me what I thought of missionaries. It was like a slap in the face for me. it wasn’t because of her question or it’s context it was because that one word set off a lot of things in me. Many years ago (ok about 5 years ago) I realized I wanted to be a missionary; I wanted to love people and tell them about Jesus and show them just a fraction of the love God has for us. I felt so passionate about it, that for years it was all I could think of. For years that one word lit my heart on fire and just the idea of it gave me so much joy that I don’t even think a Chanel dress in my size would. The only problem was, well actually there was a lot of problems. 1. It didn’t fit into people’s plans for my life. 2. Part of my family dislikes missionaries and will give long debates in their flaws. 3. I’ve always felt like you had to be another kind of person to do that job, because they aren’t worldly and I felt I was. 4. Finally I felt I didn’t have an adequate knowledge of the bible, I wouldn’t do it for fear I would do more harm than good.

So one day I just sort of gave up on that love and then I buried it. Whenever my youth group would go on mission trips I would always be busy or I couldn’t afford it. I tried to forget everyday they were gone, but I would always find myself thinking of it and I would pray for them and try not to be jealous. I have to admit I’ve done a fair job this year leaving it behind. I’ve avoiding going to things because I know that kind of thing would come up and I feared my response to it. Today however I couldn’t avoid it no matter how much I tried. It started at breakfast and it just never stopped. Every class I went to there it was. Finally in Old Testament it just sort of came about face. My heart was broken, I felt dissatisfied with everything in my life. I felt as though my worldly things just made me empty, nothing was satisfying this hunger. I don’t know what I’m going to do about this, because I still have problems. Problems 1 and 2 aren’t very much a concern of mine anymore. But 3 and 4 are more so now than ever. I see my flaws a little too clearly now, that I know with a faith like mine it just doesn’t seem like it would help anyone. Now usually I would be walking around in despair, but this much I know and it comforts me. God brought this up for a reason, just as he brings other things up. God has been good to me and to you, he has a plan and somehow this feeling on this day is a part of that plan. For now I know I will pray and have a little faith in this plan, whatever it will be. To be honest I’m a little hesitant to post this. Why? Because I usually don’t talk about my faith. I usually don’t like to show that part of myself to complete strangers. I have no desire to be a perfect Christian I just want to be a good servant. I just want to glorify him and try to be Christ like. My main hesitation is of the late, I’ve been told that this blog is me seeking attention, that I’m selfish and self-centered and I am my own religion. The truth is this blog is a journal of sorts and a message of sorts. I once read that we aren’t the first to feel the things we have, kind of like when you write a book or a paper, you know you’re not the first to write on the subject. So with that in mind I’ve made this blog. To say you are not alone. So there, here is, one of the longest post I’ve ever written to simply say: My faith is a little shaky, my heart a little bit stronger, my God so much greater, and my love still growing.

This is one crazy late night!!

2011-04-03T01:27:00.001-05:00

Oh heavens, it’s one of those nights I’ll be more than happy to forget. Not only have I been in over thinking mode from dawn till dusk, my worst college student fear has been realized! That’s right people my printer has become my enemy!! Ok so there I was trying to put some more in that sinking machine when it wants to start acting like it’s a crazy person!! It won’t let me put in the black one now it’s not taking either of them. I’ve decided to let it be for now and try it again in the light of a new day…oh I stand corrected, in the light of later today… because it’s almost 1:30 in the morning and I find myself awake and Highly energetic. Don’t start talking to me about coffee being bad either, because there have been countless times that I had more coffee and been asleep in no time. I’m fairly certain a combination of things have caused this late night/ early morning to come into effect. Anyway on the top of my thoughts list is this train of thoughts as to this argument that keeps being brought up in my religion class, ok let me correct myself here, no one other than the teacher is really talking about it but it’s had me provoked in thought for a while now. My teacher talked to us about how in this day in age we are so wrapped up in individuality, and being different and being us that we have forgotten to be God’s too….. yea and as per usual there are no simple answers to my questions so I find myself for hours ON END pondering this…….. Anyway I hope things are going good on your side of the screen. I hope you’re reading this hours after I’ve written this (if not I pray that you highly caffeinated).

50 Ways to Get Your Happy Back

2011-04-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

50 Ways to Get Your Happy Back

100 Ways to Simplify Your Life

2011-04-01T15:21:00.000-05:00

100 Ways to Simplify Your Life

Don’t worry about tomorrow when there’s so much to learn today.

2011-03-28T14:21:00.000-05:00

For the last few years of my life I have been a worrisome cautious person. I worry how this could work out and change the way I want them to go. I always fear the worst, I always fear to be the bad guy and that I will get hurt or rejected. It is because of this worry that I can at times be so cautious. I try to be a positive person, but at times I expect the worst from strangers passing me by on the street. I’m not paranoid but sometimes I fear of being hurt, I fear this cold world will just consume me. Then I remember God has a plan, that sometimes things are put into our lives for a reason. But just a mere hour ago I sat in Religion and my little “Cautious” philosophy became clearer and condemning. I was show that a person I viewed as quite frankly to be of an ugly personality. This person had never done anything to me, the only times we ever spoke was the occasional “Excuse me or Good morning”. But because of the way this person looked and their job I viewed them as a certain way. This is the time when you can shake your head and call me a mean child but I’m just being honest about my judgmental imperfection.

Today, however, that stranger became a living, breathing, feeling human being and a brother in my eyes. We’ve still never spoken, but there was a moment, which this person wasn’t even a part of when I realized that, this person felt near the same things I’ve felt, they have felt the joy and sadness in life. Right now they feel more sadness than anything else. I feel similar sadness, but not anywhere close as much as this person does, but one day I will. After I gave myself time to think about all this, I just felt so ashamed, I still feel that way. I’ve been so cautious and judgmental that I’ve written people off. And block myself from the blessing of knowing a brother or sister in Christ. Not to say I need to not be aware that there people that seek to hurt others in this world.

I was told quite literally a few days ago that this blog and its contents are contrite, redundant, and it seems that I’m always going through some conflict or another. I was told that the few that read this blog don’t get anything from it, other than the fact I am a selfish ignorant narcissist. I stayed silent whereas I usually have witty tagline. When they finished I simply look at them and explain that I once had this huge fear of death and just as everyone else feared being forgotten. I had said I didn’t want to leave this world without living my purpose that God intended for me, and that I just thought maybe this would encourage someone. That maybe someone out there in this world would look beyond my immense grammar mistakes and find themselves just as I do: not alone, very loved and constantly growing. I also explain that the exit button is in the top right corner. The truth dear reader is that I’m a young woman growing up. In some areas I’ve got a long way to go, in others I’m a lot closer. These days I feel as though I was taught certain things rather ignorantly, but that’s the thing about growing up, you learn. This was supposed to be a few lines but there’s just been a lot on my mind that I decided to unload a bit. I hope you have a great day, now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to my awesome job now then I think I’ll go to my hideaway and read up for my history paper. 

I'm Letting Go!

2011-03-22T00:11:00.002-05:00

I was cruising through TUMBLR one afternoon when I stumbled on a pictured that had a revering for days. It was an AD for ROXY and it was of these two girls in the back seat of a car just riding down the road being free. That picture spoke about a million words to me. I was jealous of those girls and their freedom. I Wanted so bad to be in the car going nowhere or anywhere, I wanted to tell my problems “See ya!” and catch the next flight to Timbuktu. Between classes and life itself I just wanted to escape. It felt like I was neck deep in problems and there was no way out. Then the next thing I know its spring break!

I had no formal plans of any kind except the promise I made myself as I was driving my roommate to the airport, that I would get some much needed rest and that I would spent some time reflecting on me and my life. The first few day where spent sleeping, then I came face to face with my problems. I didn’t know what to do, it seems like they would never end, the main thing is I can’t control people no matter how well intended I mean things to be. So instead of fretting over these things I put them on the back burner. Things got interesting after that. I found myself painting and making things again. Then I would take random “Adventures”, sometimes by myself other times I would drag other people along. It wasn’t perfect mind you. I made the mistake of trusting a person I shouldn’t. That person hurt me the same way they had before. This time however I dealt with the hurt and moved on. I got to be with my BESTIE…. All of them!! Chassi and I spent a lot of time just talking like we used to (over the traditional fare of Hong Kong of course!). Shelbs and I pursued adventures and creations. BUT I have to say the person I was Surprised to see was one ETHAN!

It was completely spurred of the moment (but as I found out that’s when the best things happen!). I was about 8 hours of awesomeness, one adventure after another, with Chassi and Shelbs. The four of us together was just like old times except those time where hardly thought of. We where having too much time to just “Remember”, after a fair amount of visiting we were totally ready to have fun! We ate typical college kids foods and we went to watch the Super moon that took place that night. It was beautiful and very peaceful. But if I had to choose a moment from that night it was when we were driving and all the windows were rolled down. The music blared a song that I cant remember, my hair was down and flying around, I felt completely and absolutely free. I got to be the girls from the Ad (sorry roxy, the cloths didn’t make it happen).

I learned that I just needed to let go of my problems and give them to God. He’s got his own plans for me and they will be just as random as my adventures. That’s what I learned this spring break: To let Go. I can’t please everyone and I shouldn’t have to. I have to live my own life and If I will just let go I can. My realization was that I had tried my whole life to become this person that made everyone I felt like is important happy, came to full light. I can’t do it and I’m tired of trying. I think I am amazing the way I am quirky (like painting in the library or driving my friend’s truck), I think my natural curiosity is good. This whole be someone else has made me ignorant and complacent. I am no longer as well read and word knowing as I used to be. So to sum this up. I’m on the line…..still…..but I’m one inch close to the other side 

I have no right to say this, but yet I have every right

2011-03-09T23:14:00.002-06:00

I felt you slipping away in the moment when I looked down at that text message. 2 simple sentences but yet they spoke paragraphs to me. I worry about you. Worry that the only thing that will stop you from reaching your dreams is yourself, or better still the world you seem so keen on listening to. You spend all your time TRYING to be different that you come out a copy. You say all the right things at all the right times. You’re up to date on all the cool things and you do ALL the right things. But are those things so right. You fear the world, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or be on their bad side but yet you desire to propel in a field, that requires do the things you do extremely well, except in order to stand out you must be different. You’ll of course be mad that I feel this way, call me simple and inexperienced. You’ll hardly talk or confide in me, because you think I’ll judge. But in my heart I won’t. This is just an overflow of thoughts that needed to be let out. I’m not so simple as to understand the why’s of it all. But yet I wonder why you can’t get the same pleasure from those things as you can from life. For instance it rained today. When I walked back from work I just stopped and smelt the clean fresh air, and watched the birds as they pranced around. It was better than anything I had seen on TV in the last month. Or when I was working a problem in math and I knew I was doing it right. Or like yesterday I finished my board that I had been working on for the longest time. I took a step back after I had finished it all and had to smile. I was proud I felt accomplished. Nothing will ever recreate that feeling. No substance or material possession will replace the joy I made for myself.

It seems as though every time things are going well, something else comes along. But it has never been you, we’ve never fought, we hardly disagree. I always felt like it was too perfect, because I was so afraid. Afraid to lose you the bestest friend I’ve ever had. But if we are such great friends if we do last till the end, if you are my soul mate, then wont you love me past this confession? I don’t want to change you, but sometimes I want to show you that the important things in life don’t have to be so glamorous. What am I trying to say? I’m trying to say, that I fell this way, but I also must accept that it’s your life, it’s your choices and I’ll respect them just as I want mine respected. I’ll stay by your side through thick and thin. Nothing will ever change that.

Breaking me to make me

2011-03-09T23:11:00.000-06:00

I realized the other week that in the midst of all my problems and crisis’ I was getting exactly what I was asking for. Earlier this year I prayed that God would help me in becoming the woman I was meant to be. Now I see he’s breaking me to make me. He is like a sculptor, with his chisel and hammer, breaking away the pieces that hold me back. He’s showing me who I am flaws and all, and he shows me why I am loved. I’m learning the things that help me move forward to my purpose and the things that hold me back.

God answers prays, the question is are you ready for the answer??

2011-02-24T15:59:00.000-06:00

This is a day i will not soon forget.I dont know how it's going to end, but i've come face to face with who i am and finally who im not. I'm letting go and im giving it to God. because i cant bear this burdon alone. I've discovered the power of words and how when used wrongly they can hurt. I prayed to God to show me who I am, and thats just what he's doing like a sculpter with a chisel he's breaking my surface away.

It's time......

2011-02-20T18:28:00.000-06:00

It’s time to move on. To stop living in fear for what may happen in the next minute, to stop worrying about thing that aren’t in my control. Most of all it’s time to forgive. To forgive the people who I childishly wrote off years ago and most of all to forgive myself. God’s first order of business for my year of becoming the woman I was meant to be, it seems was to discover just what holds me back in life. I’ve found my heaviest chain is that of guilt, guilt for things I couldn’t control, guilt for things I was too young to understand, but mostly guilt for missed opportunities and not loving people as I should have. The truth is it happened in the past and that’s where it’s going to stay. It’s time to move on and get rid of a quality I’ve had for years, being a worrier. This isn’t going to happen overnight (sadly) buts it’s going to happen as long as there is a breath in my body. I’m going to live in the moment and for the day God has blessed me with. It feels like I’m lifting a heavy chain off myself.

Gratitude and Humble Pie

2011-02-09T17:49:00.000-06:00

Tonight I had a revelation that I pray will cease all my ungrateful, unappreciative, and self righteous moments, if not then I’ll forever have this here to remind me. I went to go visit my Godparents and the girl who always treated me like her little sister and gave me the honor of being her children’s godmother, for me it was a goodbye. Because the girl was starting her life with her husband and children I another state, we had been experiencing a distance in our relationship and me going to college or doing this or that has gotten in the way of ever having the relationship we once had. While there I felt the lack of connection so strong, that my emotions got the best of me and I had to leave.

On the way home I realized how times had gotten so tough for our families. It just seemed like every time we were just a once ahead we had to go back a foot. I was trying my mom’s car and I really hate driving it, I love my van more, it’s just so much better to me. Then I was thinking about what I needed to buy at the store the next day, then the trip I was going on the day after, then what I wanted for my birthday…there were more self centered thoughts but I’m not going to list them. But just as I was pulling up to the house I realized that for a girl facing such tough times I sure was getting to do a lot of things. That my being able to do these things meant my family not being able to do other things. I suddenly felt guilty for wanting to go on that trip, for wanting a birthday present, for all the times I ask for things. I walked up my front steps and found my mom waiting for me at the door. She held the door for me and for what seemed like the millionth time that week I busted into tears. She asked me what was wrong and I told her my thoughts and concerns. She held me close and after I finished crying she look me in the eyes and said

“I want you to enjoy life, I want you to have fun and experience a little happiness, and my only regret is I can’t give you half the things you want. I’m your mom I’ll always want what’s best for you and want you to happy. One day our roles will change but until then as long as I can work I will try to give you kids a better life. I don’t mind sacrifices for you, its part of being a parent. We lose ourselves, but you’ll always have a part of us in you. One day I won’t be able to work and give to you. One day you’ll have to do for me what I do for my parents. I just pray it isn’t as hard for you as it is for me. I pray your future isn’t like my past.”

For a mere moment I understood this crazy thing called life. I felt that of I worked hard enough then I would be able to take care of the woman who has done so much for me. that night I went to bed and prayed that God would allow me to repay my mom one day, to show her just as much love as she has shown me, to give her the respect she has given me, to provide her with the happiness she has provided with me, and that when I’m a parent that I can be a self-less as she. I thank God for giving me this moment, for showing me that even though I’m facing hardships I have a mom who will try her best to back me up, who loves me more than she loves herself. I love you momma and pray I can make you proud.

Standing on the line….. should I cross?

2011-02-04T09:43:00.000-06:00

I’ve spent the better part of two days in complete and total tears/sadness. Now I know the only times I post on here there’s usually something going on in my life, so for you horrible states really aren’t that rare. Well for me they are. I don’t like crying, it’s not that it doesn’t feel good, because it does feel good to just let go of those emotions that I’m feeling. it’s just I don’t like people to know I’ve been crying I find it somewhat embarrassing, as if the moment people see my tear stained face they will fuss at me for crying or cart me off to the mental ward (I don’t think straight jacket is a good look on me). Anyway, I’ve found myself confronted with a torrent of emotions that seemed like they would consume me. It seems doubt made its way to college with me and it just does not want to break up. I’ve been doubting my abilities as a student feeling as though I where the coned dunce in the back of the class, it just seems like I can’t do anything right. Also I find that the girl who treated me like her little sister, and who gives me the privilege of being the Godmother to her children, is leaving our hometown and making her own life in another state (after practically 20 year of living next door). It already feels as though we live in two separate worlds but now I will really feel estranged. Finally I’ve doubted my friendships.

I have the most incredible friends you will ever see in your life. Kyrie is the one that keeps me honest, she brings me the coolest quotes and YouTube videos that inspire me, and every tie dye moon we have such great talks that I’m left reeling days after. We have lots of fun doing simple things and she has these ninja like skills that are very ninja-ish. Liz, without her I possibly wouldn’t laugh enough, she has a sense of humor that takes some getting used to and she is a very cultured yet pop culture person. She is very smart Especially in math, she’ll say the last thing you ever thought anyone would say, she’s very unpredictable, but loyal none the less. Rebecca is cowgirl to end all cowgirls; she is the true American girl or southern girl whichever you prefer. She loves to date, to ride, and be. She is the only person who can look at me and just know about what wrong with me. She knows the moments when I miss home and will give me the hug I secretly want, but don’t want to ask for. Finally there’s Dani, she’s been my quite supporter throughout everything. Last semester she was the person I escaped to when things got tough and she gives me the gentle accountability I need. She knows when I’m having troubled thoughts and gives me the freedom to be my usual Rare self.

I have made such amazing memories with these girls; I call them my kids and my sisters. But yesterday I found myself escaping them because I felt hurt by them. I felt like they thought me to be dumb and stupid, I could only remember the moments of constantly having what I say corrected. I could only remember, my decisions to be denounced based on their lack of “Logic”. More over I feared that I was an outsider, just pushed to the side and unwanted (my greatest fear). They’ve heard me ask the question before, but yet I get so worried. I don’t want to lose these people. My heart aches at the thought that Liz may not wake me up one morning for breakfast, or Kyrie may not run down to my room to tell me something random, or Rebecca might not come and have “country” moments with me, or that Dani might decide she didn’t want me to be her roommate. They are one of the best things in my life.

I was talking to my God big today; she’s like a big sister kind of like I’m a Godmother. She is the slightly older, more experienced version of me, I’m serious. So much of our life is similar, that she can give me advice that is tried and true tested. She told me today that the friends you have your freshman year won’t be the friends you have your senior year. My heart sank at the thought my greatest fear will one day come true, that I would have to let go of these amazing awesome people and start all over again. Here’s the thing, I love people, I try to love everyone, but the thought of starting over, of depending on, and loving others, is hard for me to bear. Can I handle it? Absolutely. Do I want to? No.

I just want to go back to the girl I was last year, my whole life ahead of me, but yet I was content. I had my Besties and with them I could do anything, and be anything I wanted to be. They were proud of me, they supported me, and they loved me for me. But now they are off living their lives and because of the distance it’s just not the same. Once again I thought I was immune and come to find out, I’m not.

I’m standing on the line, between who I used to be and who I’m meant to be. I’m so close, just a few more years. I know I can do it, all I have to do is just be myself and take that step…but I just want to know cant my “girls” come with me, cant Ethan walk beside me? please?

Me? a little sister?

2011-02-02T19:39:00.001-06:00

I’ve always been the big sister, never the little. My grandparents love to joke that even though my brother was born before me that I’m the oldest. There are pictures, and stories that speak of a time when it seemed like I had it all in charge. My little sister jokes with me that even though I’m a worrier, on the outside I seem to have it all together. To her I’m the big sister, my life needs to be in order… it used to be so I could be a good influence but now it’s just so I’ll stay out of her way. These days the only order my life is in is my class and work life, everything else is skewered somewhere over the rainbow. Sometimes I just complain and move on or complain and stay that way until my butt gets kick by the nearest annoyed person. The truth is this college life is crazy. Now understand me, I wouldn’t trade this life for a million dollars (even though a million dollars would really help pay for college). But it gets to me sometimes, and that my friend is why I’m writing to you today.

At my college we have amazing traditions and one of them is in your freshman year you get a big sis. She is a jun/soph who leads you through traditions and becomes the person you can turn to in those moments where you need a hug (or your butt kicked). I was really nervous in the beginning. Fearful I wouldn’t get a big sis that wanted me. Anyway last semester I walked into my first day of math class, I decide to sit in the front row and learn fast that no one was going to join me. that was until this girl walked in a minute or so after the class started. We exchanged the awkward hello nod and it seems like I made one of my not so funny jokes. She introduced herself and to my surprise she sat by me for the rest of the semester, during which time she helped me in the best way: she listened to me, she explained what she could, and she encouraged me. During that time there was some drama over me and the big sis thing, there was a time I was so lost and ready to give up on the whole thing (remember I go to an all girls school, you don’t know the meaning of drama till you live with girls 24/7) .

It got to the point where I found myself in tears and deeply perplexed. I thought about everything I wanted in a big sis and discovered I had all these things all ready! It came from my math class friend. After a little bit more drama, things cooled down and I asked her if she would stand for me (it’s how you get a big, I’m not going to tell you all about traditions). She did in fact stand for me and last Thursday I was sitting on my bed wondering if she would be the one to come get me for the banquette and just as my old friend fear started to surface when suddenly I saw a familiar face standing outside my door. It was her (with my awesome twin who is her little too!!) an hour later she was my big sister. To be honest it feels strange, I’ve always been the big older wiser one, but now I’ve got someone to lead me through those confusing and amazing times know as Judson traditions and the next couple of years of my college life. I love my new family, my twin, and my big sis!!

And that my friends is Progress

2011-01-24T23:13:00.000-06:00

Whoa did you feel that? Yea that was time flying and life doing what it does best, knocking you off your Chuck Taylor conversed feet. Let me tell ya, it’s been really knocking me off mine! These days I find myself thinking more than talking, I’m sure very college student goes through this but for me it s just like I’m a living mime, I just don’t know what to say and whenever I do say something I feel as though I can’t even say it right. Life’s one big tongue twister right now, I’m starting to choose my words carefully and trying to censer my thoughts….but right now I’ve got to talk to you about something.

Ok if you’ve ever read my Understanding matters of the heart you know, all about my batting zero love life and how I completely wish it wasn’t true. I’ve felt this way for a long time and have felt deep sadness that I was single. But I there’s been some love drama going on around me and I’ve seen the institution of dating take some major blows to the head. I’ve spent weeks, no make that months utterly confused by it all. How some people can just break up with someone that they claimed to love ever so dearly then 5 mins later have a new love of their life, ugh it disgusting, but you want to know what’s more disgusting? Me sitting here judging that person, acting like I’m somehow better. I’ve come to a realization and God in all his greatness had given it to me in such a Rare way  this realization has given me peace and im not so miffed about dating and why im not playing the field. You ready to hear what I realized?

“I’m starting to see that maybe the only thing I need on my arm is cute bracelets and Chanel purses”

-The Super Rare

I know it may seem a little anticlimactic and girlie and dumb but seriously I don’t care , I’m all I need right now, because I’ve got to get acquainted with me before someone else can love me. anywhose you think that’s some progress? Next up Forgiveness! Except you’ll have to wait a day or so, I’ve got a math test that needs my undivided attention 

That moment

2011-01-12T13:55:00.000-06:00

I’ve always felt that God has a very clever way of talking to us. Sometimes during my day something will happen and I will just know that it happened for a reason and maybe just possibly if I will be silent and listen then I can find the lesson. The thing is I’ve been running my mouth and just assuming things. For instance I’ve always assumed that I am a very intelligent person and that some people just lack it. For some reason beyond me, I’ve had these thoughts that I was somehow better than other people, like I had some kind of right to stand by and just judge them. God has a great way of bringing us down a few notches and that’s just what’s been happening. I’m not the clever smart girl I was just last week. I thought this semester’s only problem would be Micro and Math because I pretty much grew up in church so Old Testament would be a breeze right? WRONG, as it turns out I know very little about the Bible and this hasn’t hurt anybody but me. I will sit in Old Testament and just be amazed at the things I have missed out on in this book, and that atheists know this book better than I do. Also I’m trying to do this 90 day Bible study and I’m learning things I should have known my whole life. To top it all off today while I was in the Old Testament class the teacher was talking behind me and I was looking at my notes and the next thing I know someone picks up my pen and corrects my spelling…it was the teacher. I spent minutes just mortified that this happened, not because I think the teacher is horrible for doing this but because it was a realization, that I have become the self entitled lazy person I have sworn never to become. That just because I’m an American college student at a private college, that I can never be dumb. This is that moment in movies when the main characters come face to face with the truth and it is then that they must make the choice that either makes or breaks them. They either become the person they were meant to be or they just continue on their ways and suffer through it. So this is my moment………

A little Learning is a dang'rous Thing;

Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian Spring

... - Alexander Pope

2011: The year of the woman I was meant to be.

2011-01-05T11:26:00.000-06:00

It’s a new year; as a matter of fact it’s THE YEAR I have been waiting on. This year I resolve to simply be the woman I was always mean to be. Who is that you may ask? It’s this imperfect, slightly crazed, stylish plus sized brunette who lives this rare and awesome life, while serving God, being a part of the family who puts the fun in dysfunctional, Building my future at Judson College, and being with the people who make even the bad times good. This is a lofty quest to say the least. A few months ago I declared myself free, but just as it took the good ole US of A some time to put their plans into action it’s taking me even longer. There have been some substantial obstacles in my way and there came a time when I just had to put on my big girl pants and deal with them. Upon looking back I’ve discovered a few things that I shall endeavor to work on as I become this awesome woman:

1. Stop wishing my problems away and just deal with them.

2. Stop daydreaming about things I want to happen and make them happen.

3. Less talking more listening.

4. Get to the point. Don’t tell 4 stories just to tell 1.

5. Murder Procrastination (it’s had it coming for YEARS).

6. Less doubt, more Faith.

7. Less world, More God.

8. Stop trying to please the world. Just be myself.

9. Literally dance to the beat of my own drum.

10. Stop talking about people, if I can’t say nice things then I need to keep my glossed lips shut.

11. Become confident, don’t fake it just make it.

12. Develop a Good relationship with people and food.

13. Less hate more Love.

14. Overcome at least 4 fears

15. Stop being my own worst critic.

16. Take critique better.

17. Become organized.

18. Read the ENTIRE Bible

19. Write more.

20. Take a RISK.

I made it 20 resolutions of sorts because 2011 also marks my 20th year of living! That’s right in 3 months and 14 days I will no longer be a teenager I will be a 20 year old super rare! I meet this birthday with mixed feelings but I’m still very happy for the chance to Live. I hope you will join me for the adventure known as this next year.

some truth about being momma carli

2010-11-10T17:40:00.000-06:00

Since I was a little girl people have been able to say one thing about me: I’m always taking care of someone. Even when I was a toddler I would go to my little sister’s bed and sleep with her, my family has a few pictures of me honing in on my mothering skills. I have middle child syndrome, I’m the one that keeps up with everyone and I’m the person a lot of people lean on I am the Gorilla glue of my family. Why? I have no idea, I was told once that I spent all my time talking care of others because I was too afraid to live my own life. This is not true, I have lived and continue to live my own life, I just happen to take care of people while doing it, I have no magical powers, I just want to love people. Here lately this means going to class and work, studying doing my homework and any free moment thereafter is spent talking to people with problems and helping them take care of them, the last two weeks I haven’t seen my bed but to sleep in it (at or around 1 in the morning). I love this; to me it’s just practice for whenever God blesses me with a family of my very own. The other night a very dear friend and “child” of mine posted the blog “the ME monster” in which she directly asked me a question. So knowing her as I do I am ready to frame an answer:

When it comes to the situations put in front of you remember no matter how crazy this world gets, love conquers all. I know, I know you just called the clique police but it is true, the bad guy may win the battle sometimes but they will never win the war (sorry bad guys just felt you deserved the heads up). Also you will be surprised what you will due because you love someone. For the love of others I have seen so much more of this world, it has made me a better person. But in hindsight there is a line you shouldn’t have to cross, in your case it’s that you fully have the right…no scratch that the DUTY to tell the other person that they should be silent if they cannot give support I have had to do this before. Usually I say “one problem at a time, or else this whole ship will sink”. Now for those times in life when you feel like the bad guy just because you get ticked don’t, it’s not bad that them doing wrong annoys you it’s about what you do because they annoy you. Remember as you have told me before, walk away the better person, don’t lose you to a fool. I hope this helps you…oh and sometime you should come and ask me about a perfect waste of good happiness because that will be one of the best life lessons I can teach you. I love you.

Love momma Carli

p.s if you're on tumblr i have the super rare there also heres a link
http://thesuperrare.tumblr.com/

becoming the thing i hate most

2010-11-01T01:05:00.000-05:00

There are times when we become our worst enemy; they are the rare moments in life when we can’t decide if what we just did was good or the worst move ever. For me it just happened, all I know to say is dang that was a whole lot less than I thought it was going to be and I now have no idea where the next day is going to take me. I didn’t even get to explain myself; I just said it and then bam! It was done, but I don’t think my explanation would have been enough. I find myself disgusted that I had to hurt someone like that and that it could have just been simple. The only thing I know to do is explain myself here:

So here it is, I need to grow up. It’s just that simple, there are things I needed to change about me since I could even remember, my attitude, my work ethic, my emotion status and my health it all needs to change. I know this; I’m mature enough to admit. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but there was one way I was doomed to hurt someone in. I hate myself but I have to do it. I have to change put myself in a new perspective, I have to literally change the view from my window. I’ve learned something while here in college the first being that, life will usually turn out to be the last thing we ever expected, the friends I have and the things I go through are the last possible thing a control freak like me could have come up with. In handling the change that is taking place in me I need to change my scene. But in doing so I hurt someone that I care about and that I want better for, I feel like a hypocrite, I don’t want anyone to ever treat someone like this, but yet I just did, I am usually the person comforting people from this and now I’m the one doing it. My heart hurts and I feel like a monster. How did it come to this? Who do I think I am?

To the person I hurt all I can say is I’m truly sorry, I don’t know if you will ever see this or take this as my apology. It really has little to do with you and a lot to do with me. I looked for a way around this, to fix my problems without ever affecting your life but it just couldn’t be helped. I want you to be happy and safe, and most of all loved. You are an amazing person and you deserve better than what just happened. From the bottom of my heart I’m sorry. IF I could take it back I would, but then I would be hindered. I hope one day you will forgive me and know that I value your friendship very much, but I understand if you can’t be my friend anymore. I will cherish the fun moments and I’m thankful God put you in my live. I pray that you stay there, but I’m starting to understand that we should “write our plans in pencil and give God the easer”. Again I’m sorry and I pray you will forgive me.

What's this going to cost me? :(

2010-10-29T12:04:00.000-05:00

Today I have a confession to make…I haven’t been the best me I possibly could be. For the last few months I think I have personified procrastination and laziness. To me procrastinating was better than me facing my fears. Fears like having to talk to teachers and things that have terrified me. I keep thinking a thing like this is too easy, so I must be doing it wrong. Times flies like nothing I have ever seen, I feel like I am the only college freshman who has ever done this, I can’t mess up but yet that’s what I’m doing, I get 1 chance around this college merry-go-round and I know I can do this!!!

I’ve also been slacking in my relationships, Friends that are very near and dear to my heart have had their calls to me ignored or text messages not answered for HOURS. Sometimes I forget to go see them when I go home and some I haven’t seen in the eternity of forever. College is the most amazing place ever, but how can a girl balance all her responsibilities? I have to change, almost everything about my work ethic, now academics is first, yes this means I will have to break up with Facebook (I’m sorry FB, but I can’t see you 20 times a day, we really need a break!)

In macro I learned about opportunity costs. For every action you take there is a cost, something you miss out on, the cost of being a procrastinator is that my GPA won’t be so high. The cost of not staying in contact with the people I love is that they won’t keep me in their lives. Even my faith has suffered an opportunity cost, sometimes I let bad stuff get the better of me, when people say mean things or just forget their manners, I just want to yell at them. But then I remember that I to have done this and worse, I have no room to talk. When I give in to gossip, I give up the better person I am meant to be. I give the real authentic me for some cheap knock off that must put other people down to feel better. When I don’t read my bible the opportunity cost is I become ignorant to my greatest asset..my faith.

So for my future , my Godson, my best friend, my faith, and for the woman I know I will one day become, I do herby announce the funeral of Procrastination will be held this weekend, will a blog post to follow as eulogy. Remember you done have to mourn its death….and I won’t be celebrating its life. Now if you will excuse me there is a price I must pay.

"Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried.”

P.s. Let me know about your opportunity costs and tips on getting rid of procrastination.

The line you should cross

2010-10-27T12:09:00.000-05:00

Last week I wrote to you about crossing the line and how there comes a time when you should never cross the line, in regards to people’s family and their personal beliefs. In retrospect there is a line you should cross, the line that the world draws to determine your life and what it will be made of, the line that they clearly draw and say to you “you cannot be this, don’t you dare be this and please as long as you live NEVER EVER be this!” The reason the line is drawn for people is numerous, it could be economic issues as to say that poor people should never dream to rise above their “place”, or it could be career wise like how in the corporate world women can still only go so far, and then there is the line family draws for you saying “you will have this life and you will marry this person and if you have this life or become dare we say it…gasp…gay, then we will not love you. Then there is the ultimate line, the one the world as a collective whole places and makes subliminal messages that pretty much atones to the fact that you shouldn’t cross it that is the change the world line. Now you may be saying that this doesn’t apply to you to which I must say the only way this doesn’t apply to you is if you where dead.

Here’s the thing there will come a time in your life when you will be faced with a line, one you are told very clearly not to cross. You will have to ask yourself, what will happen if I do and what will happen if I don’t? For doing it you may face uncertain scrutiny, for not doing it you may have to live with regret. I know that not everyone who reads this will have the same beliefs I have but please understand that to me, God made us for a purpose and in part of that purpose there is a line we have to cross, nothing is easy but for the right things the fight is worth it (now depending on your situation that determines your fight). For one very dear friend his line is having to be true to himself and not to worry about what other people think or say. He has one of the most complicated lines you could ever cross, but yet I know with everything in my heart that one day he will cross it (timing is everything). I have another friend who is very noble and strong in her will to serve God, she has a disposition that I could only pray to have when it comes to serving God. But yet there is a line for her, and having only had to glimpse in her shoes, I can only say, that when the day comes to cross that line she will be a part of a force that changes this crazy world we live in. Last week I wore purple in memory of those kids that got bullied to death because they came out of the closet, the week before I wore Pink to honor those who had crossed the line to challenge breast cancer. For me, mine is the line of expectancy, the expectance of family and my fears. I have chosen to live a life different than what was expected of me, I even choose a different denomination (not just to spite them mind you, I felt differently than they did and Baptist was close to what I believe). The one I battle most is my fears, my fears to go to the teacher because I’m afraid they will not be nice, the fear that I won’t be able to stay in college due to reason beyond my control. But here’s the thing those lines we need to cross, their consequence can only hold us for so long. There will come a day for each of us when we decide, it just doesn’t matter. We will stand at the edge between us and that line close our eyes take a step and hope for the best.

Ok so my quote for today is:

We live within the boundaries of our thoughts sometimes dreaming of crossing the line. Gary Wornel

Homework: look up the song Superchicks “cross the line” listen twice…

Also drop me line and let me know your lines and maybe what stops you from crossing the line

You may walk the line but don’t you dare cross it.

2010-10-19T00:12:00.000-05:00

I never understood that song by Johnny Cash “I walk the line”, I really haven’t heard it in a long time so to me he was just literally walking a line. Through a series of events I understood the song in conjunction with the old adage “crossing the line” today I’m going to talk about that in two ways. These days I’m learning to confess my sins and not other people, in others words, STOP TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE! But I need to kill some anger so we’re fixing to have a funeral via venting. In college you’re living with a lot of people and those people come with baggage. Some people’s baggage is so heavy and filled with such deprivation that they practically must have a fork lift to carry themselves, so when they fill down and out they decide to take it out on other people (because misery loves company). For me this a conflicting personality issue, I’m an encourager, God blessed me with the ability and disposition to love and encourage people no matter the situation. So when you come to me with an attitude and you want to bring me down just because you’re not feeling too good and I need to feel the same, my need to pray/ get upset starts to flare up.

Sadly my time in middle school taught me to be a defensive person so when people try the attack me thing I just want to be mean back, but I recognize this look in their eyes that they are hurting so I don’t. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less, So to sum up the picture I’m trying to paint here I’ll just say this, remembering that I’m an encourager and a glue of the family type person think about this: if you want to say something mean about someone, that’s not good and don’t expect me to support it or stay in the room, when you are talking about me, expect silence and a whole lot of staring (because I’m trying to figure you out, if you’re trying to help that’s one thing and it easy to see, if not then it’s even easier), don’t expect me to agree to the meanness or stick around to be beaten (my momma didn’t raise a punching bag sorry find someone else) at this point you’re walking the line. But the moment you decide to go after the people I love and care for in a mean and hate full way, YOU ARE CROSSING THE LINE!

(I want to meet the sticks and stones guy we’ve needed a chat for the last 10 years).

I’ve had very few people to cross the line, but sometimes people do. When they do, they tend to go all the way. So my last words on the situation is this: do not for a single moment expect me to sink to your level simply because you can say mean things, yes you hurt me but no, I’m not dignifying that with any answer but this, NEVER expect me to be ashamed of the people who take care and provide for me. Just because they don’t work the right job and don’t meet your standards doesn’t make them cheap targets for you to put down. I will never be ashamed of my family and the hard work they have done. I’m sorry life has been cruel to you, just understand that Jesus loves you and instead of giving into cheap comments you should give your problems to God. There that’s dead and gone, never to be talked about again.

who are we?

2010-10-14T17:22:00.001-05:00

An eccentric and semi- controversial YouTube Video blogger named Shane Dawson once performed a skit in which he was going to this job interview and the woman interviewing him was absolutely crazy. The woman wouldn’t let him sit in the office chair, she made him sit on the ground, and she spent most of the time yakking on the phone to her assistant about running to Starbucks and getting her a half Caf-mocha whatever. When she finally decided it was time to interview she said but one statement: Tell me about yourself, to which Mr. Dawson like most of us froze. It’s a legit question, but yet it’s a great challenge, how would you phrase a sentence that would let people know who we are, a sentence that would in essence reassure them that we are not creepers but a fellow human beings to this thing called life. This question has be with me since I saw this video, I couldn’t help but think about what I would say or what people around me would say. For instance would my atypical friend Liz speak of her love of hello kitty that has followed her into adulthood, or would she discuss her love of math, or talk about ROTC? Would she start off by reviling in her political views or beliefs? Or my endearly quite friend Dani, would she start off by telling you about that trip to china, or would she speak of her love of all things oriental? Would she talk about her faith, or tell you about the home she is so far away from? How would you put the essence of who you are and put it into a sentence? Well instead of a quote or song for you to think of I’ve instead included my 1 sentence response to the question of Whom am I (just remember my version of a sentence is different than yours):

I am an colossal entity of joy, a simply fabulous connoisseur of fashion, a constant puzzle always pondering, loving with everything in my heart, always believing that my tomorrows have the chance of being better than today if only God would allow me to serve him that way.

So if you can put your essence in a sentence drop me a line, if you think that mine is just not good tell me……

CONFUSION!!!

2010-10-04T00:29:00.000-05:00

Life is getting pretty confusing right now. I have moments where the life I once knew is nothing but a distant memory, sometimes I ask myself what kind of dream was I living? People that mere weeks ago I counted on, are now strangers, passing me like ships in the night. I see what people are really made of, for some it’s like a complete transformation. The last possible outcome is now the reality, troubles I never dreamed of having are now my consistent existence. I’m in a constant reality check and when I look for advice I’m met with the same reply “Welcome to the real world”. I don’t know what to do about that phrase but get mad. I’m not looking for sarcasm; I’m looking for wisdom and maybe a hug. I know that I am no longer a child, I’m not looking for you to solve my problems, and I’m just looking for that one thing we are all looking for… acceptance. But I’m starting to realize that the “adults” telling me this are possibly just as confused as I am. That’s a constant realization I’m having, that the older people are sometimes just as confused as I am. I’m starting to see that the woman in front of me in the gas station probably has some of the same worries as I do. That I am not as “awesome” as I think but yet I’m not as horrible as I believe myself to be.

I’m in the process of letting go and moving on, all apart of setting myself free. It s hard though, why create your own change when you can just keep things the way they have always been? The truth is though life is not so convenient that it fits into a one size fits all box, just because it’s not the way you know or are aware of that doesn’t make it any less real or normal. We all see the same picture a little differently than someone else. ….

Am I making any sense here????

If anyone can decipher what I’m saying or at least give me a new perspective of wisdom or some kind adage I could use it.

Just remember God answers prayers, this evening I was in confusion and another Judson tradition pulled me out for a little while, I heard a song that made me smile and I wanted to share it as my quote:

No one here to guide you,

now you're on your own.

Only me beside you . . .

still, you're not alone.

No one is alone, truly.

No one is alone.

Sometimes people leave you

halfway through the wood.

Others may deceive you

you decide what's good.

You decide alone,

but no one is alone.

People make mistakes,

fathers, mothers,

people make mistakes

holding to their own,

thinking they're alone.

Honor their mistakes

everybody makes

one another's terrible mistakes.

Witches can be right,

giants can be good.

You decide what's right

You decide what's good.

Just remember . . .

Someone is on your side.

Someone else is not.

While you're seeing your side

maybe you forgot:

They are not alone.

No one is alone.

Hard to see the light now

just don't let it go.

Things will come out right now

we can make it so.

Someone is on your side

No one is alone.

The winds of change

2010-10-01T02:18:00.000-05:00

The time has come to talk of many things

Because now brews the winds of change

I’ve grown so much since last I wrote

A rhyme to fit my heart’s quote

First I must speak of this heart

Because it is a vital part

This heart of mine has never really woken

So it seems a while yet for it to be spoken

I know that out there somewhere is my mister

But I need to grow in more ways than I dare list here

So for now I shall wait

Until God opens that gate

Now I must talk of the great change

Which will cause to some a big bang

I declare myself free

From the expectations you have of me

I cannot be anything less than myself

Because it is my greatest wealth

Think what you will

I’ve got one chance to go up this hill

That they call life

So why fight?

Say what you will

But God is the only one I seek to thrill

Ode to the moon

2010-09-30T12:14:00.000-05:00

You’ve known me for all of my days

Every few weeks you expose me for who and what I am

Your bright rays make my eyes haze

Yet you do it so lovingly

You know the night gives me quite a fright

So you cascade everything to make the night right

With you there is beauty

Without you there is fear

You’ve given horror stories transcendent meanings

And romantic scenes have been made dreamy

All by your presence

You’ve always had specific ways

That only clouds and day dare graze

You are my comfort and my friend

You have seen my beginning and you will see my end

Through my lows and my highs

You will bear witness with your eyes

You connect me to my true love by your sight

Every time you gift me with your light

So dear moon beam and gleam

As I dream and dream

Understanding and misunderstand matters of the heart

2010-09-27T23:54:00.000-05:00

This summer one of my Besties came to me and asked me about true love, So i set out to write her a letter about every possible thing i could think of about love. This would be from Experiences of friends and family, because i myself have never dated, I’ve fallen in love but I’ve never been in a relationship. But I have a lot of knowledge from being the person people turn to. Today a girl came to me and she wanted to talk about love. They only thing I could think about was this letter, so with my besties’ permission I’m putting this up. Now that I’ve said that understand that what I’m about to tell you in the gods honest truth of what I’m thinking, that what I’m about to say is me pouring my every knowledge of this thing called love and since it’s such an important thing to you I want you to print this and keep it always because I don’t know what tomorrow brings but I know that this will still be relevant. Love is like a game of chance. Sometimes you take a chance and get burnt, sometimes you spend years in love with the simple idea of love and then when you do take that chance it turns out that the one you love wont love you back, other times you’re so desperate for love that you’re willing to settle for what you can get, so you over look things that you normally wouldn’t like their married. Then there are the times when you will change yourself completely just so someone ANYONE will love you and in changing yourself, you ruin your life. Finally there’s the chance you take when you give up and decide you deserve nothing better and you end up the horror story of domestic violence on lifetime. Now this is the bad chances that you could take and that a lot of people take because they think they can cut corners and be the exception to love.
The truth is there is no perfect formula to love and if there is only God knows it. But here’s what I can tell you about true love, it’s in no way perfect, there is no magical way to tell if he is in fact the one, there’s only time. Time to get to know the REAL him. The good, the bad, and yes the UGLY. Because the thing is we all have a bad, ugly side to us. There is someone out there that will love us in spite of said bad side. There is something in them that can handle our inner monsters; they’re not knights in shining armor, just our “better half”. Another thing you need to know is their dreams, because there is so much you can tell about a person in their dreams, like if they give up easy or if they are willing to work hard for the important things in life (don’t put too much stock in this though because dreams like people are ever evolving as we grow, when I was a kid I dreamed to be Pocahontas). But something you can put stock in is their values, because that can’t be faked over time and values really tell you about a person. Do they believe similarly to the things you believe? (Never let their religions dominate yours or you will always be resentful). Understand that relationships are all about compromise. Sometimes you have to give up a LITTLE part of you to be with them as is the case with them. It’s equal, but NEVER EVER compromises your values, beliefs, moral fiber, personality, or passions. Also there is no spoil date for love, I don’t give a flip what modern people say, you can’t fall out of real love, you can however fall out of the idea that what you had was love, in other words it wasn’t the real deal.

Trust is important no it’s crucial, if you can’t trust the person you’re with then it’s time to face the reality that your gut is telling you something is wrong (but never confuse not trusting them to not trusting you). Remember you’re going to fight, the thing to know is when things go bad, don’t go bad with them. The thing about people today is we revert back to the sandbox ways, just because someone hurts us does not negate the need to hurt them. Yes I know an eye for an eye right? Well if that was the case we would all be stumbling around blind and hurt now wouldn’t we? Now on the commitment section I advise you to get alone with just you and your thoughts and writing stuff and figure out why you’re afraid, and then write the good and bad of the person you love. Good like he is nice and loving he appreciates me, he’s funny he lets me be me; I’m talking every little detail that makes up his good and bad sides. Then tell 1 person what you wrote, but when choosing that person don’t pick someone who is biased, or is going to tell you what you want to hear. Take what they say under careful thought but don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life. Now here comes the part where you can smile (sort of). You’ll know when you found that person when even in times of darkness; they still think the sun shines in you. But when it comes to your values NEVER CHANGE! The thing is you have to give it time. You know that when you try to find your true love you’ll get hurt more than once and it will hurt more every time, never lose you though. Know that your love story has been written by the same great God that gave you your amazing abilities. God’s delays are not God’s Denials.

I’m learning right at this moment that the reason I’m not with the person I’m meant for is that I still have to become the woman I was born to be. I’ve been held back by excuses, sorrow, and a little devil called doubt. but when you find that person with whom you without a SINGLE doubt in your mind is the one, don’t forget to take that chance! Now from all that I’ve told you today you may not like some of what I’ve had to say. I learned from a friend that I’m no real authority on love simply because, I’ve never dated, and there are apparently no scars on this heart of mine. In Just remember times of heartache when you feel there is no one you can turn to remember you can turn to me, there’s an Italian saying that I love its “L’ho provato sulla mia pelle” which means “I have experienced that on my own skin”. Meaning, I have also been burned or scared in this way.

I hope this helps.... so my quote for today is....

Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.

- Diane Arbus

I guess you could say I saved my disclaimer till the end. The truth is I don’t know everything about this thing called Life or Love, that’s why I’m writing to you, because I’m learning as I go along. I pray I find love one day. Not that fairy tale kind, no the real kind will do just find thank you.

A letter to my comfort zone

2010-09-21T00:42:00.000-05:00

Dear comfort zone,

We’re not in Kansas anymore, in fact we’re not even in the same country. We left our life behind willingly, looking at the signs as we speed past. They read things like “now exiting the life you used to know” and “now entering your new life”. You wouldn’t believe I’m only an hour away from home, I feel like I’m in another galaxy, life is just so different from what it used to be. I’m used to taking care of the people in my life, being the glue of the family was always my favorite job. Now I can’t do much glue like things (for some odd reason it just don’t stick from a distance). Now I take care of myself…..oh now don’t get me wrong, I’m still the same girl. The only thing that has changed about me is my zip code, and the number of times I laugh in a day. I remember one night, it feels like it was forever ago but it was actually in may. I was sitting with my Bestie looking at the stars and we were talking about what we would be like as college kids. He told me that I would be more expressive of my thoughts and feelings, that when I would visit home I would see my own individuality in the way I was different from the way I used to be. I insisted that I was would still be the same, in a way I was right and in a way he was. I still have the same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and values. The only change is I express them more, like back in high school I would get odd stares at kids for bowing my head to bless my food, here we SING our blessing every day at lunch. That’s right we don’t just bless our food, we sing over our food (gratitude is the super duper salt and pepper!). I don’t have a uniform so therefore I may dress myself in whatever strikes my fancy for the day. I’m allowed to speak my mind as long as I’m respectful and have a way to back up what I’m saying. The classes are changeling (its defiantly a you get what you put into to it kind of deal). The only thing I was slightly hesitant about was my super rareness….I mean college isn’t like high school, so in high school where they encouraged my super rare personality, it’s supposed to mean that in college this would be frowned upon right???? WRONG! I am who I am and here I am accepted, I can wake up every morning and smile and be cheerful, and witty. I can encourage to my heart’s content, My friends just smile at my silliness and become my partners in crime. But there is one thing I forgot to pack for this journey….my worry, yea for some reason it never made it to the suitcase (wonder where it ended up?).

Unfortunately Procrastination made it (it’s a sneaky little sucker but I’m almost positive that there are ways to rid yourself of it). I’m in a constant state of humble; I know I’m extremely lucky, for college, for amazing friends, and for super rareness! I’m learning things like how to live with someone else (Barney was right about sharing- except for the closet), how to use my voice and speak up for myself, and making choices on my own. I know you’re being pushed everyday dear comfort zone, but hey what’s the point of living if you don’t go all the way?

Now I know school has started and I’m out of Judson quotes but I really liked writing what I felt about them….so I’ll continue to do it….ready?

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

So dear comfort zone this should explain why we are not comfortably at home, why we are in a new land and living somewhere. Because I’m meant for something in this life and this is the new beginning. So don’t worry you’ll adjust 

Consider this my declaration of independence

2010-09-20T22:08:00.000-05:00

When in the course of a person’s existence there becomes an undeniable need for that person to eliminate the bonds that keep them from their purpose and dreams. Sometimes these bonds are of their own making, others have been taught to them by society or family, but no matter where it was learned these bonds have such a grasp on a person that they are almost impossible to break them. One of these is a person’s image; it is image that in most ways in our culture we set the worth of an individual. We are all just as guilty as the rest, its like lays chip bet you can’t have just one. But there comes a time when a person must take their own fate into their hands or at least silence themselves long enough for God to speak. That’s not the hard part (ok so it’s hard but it only gets more difficult), the real challenge is to do what it is your purpose is. I once heard the saying that if you want to make God laugh, you should tell him what you have planned. So when you don’t know the big picture quite clear yet, what do you do? You set yourself free through his love and mercy……
Consider this my declaration of independence, my admittance of my flaws and failures. Think of it as their last time to see the light of day because from now on they’re dead. Just like a loved one they’ve passed on to another place, never to haunt me again. They’ve taught me the lessons I need to learn and when I need to be humbled I can place flowers on their graves and remember the echo they each made on my life. I’ve grown tired of running away from my fears; they’re like the Gestapo chasing me down for just being myself. I choose to run to them, show them what I’m made of because there’s nothing they can do, I made my choice and I’m going with the fisherman. I met the most extraordinary people every day I am gifted to breathe. It’s the quite lady in the elevator that holds her grandson close so he doesn’t try to run around, who looks at me and the other college students commenting on how she can’t even picture him being as old as us, or the girl you swore you could never be friends with but yet she is the one that steals your Debbie cakes and you have the realest talks with. It’s the sales clerk at the dollar store checking me out, treating me as if I was one of her own children. During the most ordinary times I met these jewels. Even when I feel like life is presenting the most difficult challenges, I’m still being given these amazing opportunities.
The dog days are over, I will no longer allow myself to held back by the desires of others, I want only to live my life to its fullest, if that means moving out of the same area code as my comfort zone then pass me duck tape! I will not accept anything less than my personal best; I will silence my tongue and actually listen. This will not happen overnight, this will take affair amount of time to happen, but it’s going to happen. There is the woman I’m meant to be and she has been waiting long enough.
Now I want to tell you a story Once upon a time there was a beggar who would go to a saints statue everyday and say “I want to win the lottery, please let me win the lottery” the beggar would do this every day. Finally the exasperated statue came to life on day looked down at the beggar and said “My son Buy a ticket”……I don’t know about you but to quote Eat pray Love…. I bought three!

My mistake :)

2010-08-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago my life was planned for me and that brought me great comfort. I never had to questions my tomorrows, but I made the choice not to follow those carefully laid plans, and now I’m just as lost as everyone else. I pray that one day God will tell me what it is I’m supposed to do, but in a way I feel as if I’ve all ready been told. I was told once that you do what you love then happiness will follow, see the only issue with that Is, I’m not sure if what I love is something I particularly good at….
Then I look back on the past year, all the traveling, the people I’ve met, the things I learned, and the once in a life time experiences I’ve had. Of all those things, the thing that stands out oh so clearly is my writing. No matter what I was going through at any moment, if I could just write I was happy. I love turning those once in a life time moments into something people all over could read about and for a few minutes be just as happy as I was when they happened. So when I’m faced with moments of doubt I remember that for some reason unbeknownst to me, God gave me this ability to write and I’m going to use it and do what I love!
By the way my quote for the day is:
He who buries his talent is making a grave mistake.

Worry about nothing

2010-08-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

I’m a lot of things; some are good others are bad. Of my bad traits there are two that stand out to me as my worst: procrastination and worrying. It is the latter trait that I’m going to talk about today. I’ve been told by many people I’m close to that if I didn’t have anything to worry about then I would worry about not having anything to worry over. I’ve always had a flare of being able to come up with the worst possible scenario, and sticking to that as the soon reality. I make my worry my constant thought and then i feel bad that I let it get that far. The truth is no matter what I worry about, it never really turns out the way I thought it would. The thing about life is nothing is ever perfect; no matter what we are trying to do there are obstacles in our way. At times I make my obstacles the things I trip on, lately I’ve been tripping a lot. It seems like the closer I get to going to college the more obstacles pop up, so I’ve been doing what I seem to naturally do: worry. At this moment I’ve got about 4 things standing between me and the day I move into college, and it seems like the second I get over one another comes right in its place. What am I supposed to do? So in an attempt to find wisdom, I drew out some Judson quotes and this is what I came out with:
Don’t worry about tomorrow, God is already there
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself, each day has enough trouble of its own. –Matthew 6:34
Ok so here’s what I realized: there is always going to be something happening, but the thing is God wouldn’t take me to it if he couldn’t bring me through it. So instead of making my problems stumbling stones, why not make them stepping stones? Learn what I need to learn and move on, don’t sweat the small stuff and turn to God instead of worrying my life away. I like it!!! now let’s works on procrastination….later

When does the fight end?

2010-08-02T20:23:00.001-05:00

I have often wondered when a fight is over with. Is it after you have said the words that have been led up to by actions or is it in the moments where you actually do something to repair the problem? In this past year I’ve had many fights. Some I’ve walked away from less than the person I walk into them as, others I knew I was a better person for the way I handled the situation. But there have been a few that have stayed with me through my summer days and they haunt me at this moment. Then when I read my quote for today I had to dispute its truth, but in the end the bold words on a small piece of paper won:
He won forgives ends the quarrel. African Proverb
Becka Sasser, the 2009-2010 Alabama FBLA state presidents, once talked to me about the subject of forgiveness. She told me how forgiveness helps not only the person you are forgiving but it helps you move on. Every instance has a lesson and sometimes in forgiving others we are given that lesson. I’m in a place right now where I’m saying goodbye to a part of my life and for some reason I’ve been having problems letting go. It wasn’t till a moment ago that I realized why: I still have a fight to end; I still have forgiveness to give. Now when it comes to forgiveness you have to take a big ole’ slice of humble pie and swallow it with a loving smile….and mean it. so if you’ll excuse me there’s a humble pie with my name on it, pray it goes down easy.

For the sake of our ART

2010-08-02T20:21:00.000-05:00

I love writing, it’s something I think about doing even in my sleep, I wake up every day wondering what I’ll write that day and just that thought has my mind racing at a hundred mile an hour speed. It’s my passion to put on paper the feelings and thoughts that make residence in my mind and heart. By writing I am able to show myself to people I’ve never met and people that seek to understand me and at varying moments aid them in understanding that they are not alone in this thing called life. Now most writers I know are uncommonly gifted in the grammatical field, they know just what to do in any circumstance that may arise during the process of their art; I however am not like most. I’m grammatically challenged, there are moments when I’m writing that I feel one word so vividly Expresses my feelings that I’ll capitalized it in the middle of a sentence, I’ll over use commas because I just want the thought to flow freely without stop. My English teacher that I admired and whom encouraged me always started her critiques with the fact we both understood that the work held my usual grammar handicaps, then she would move on to content. I often felt that my odd use and abuse of the grammatical structure was my sign that writing was not my talent that I was just simply lucky in the way I was sometimes able to write something decent. Then I discovered a poet who was one of the most radically experimental and inventive writers in the 20th century, e. e. cummings. I love Cummings’ work and through his odd use and abuse I was able to ask myself why I myself would commit those crimes against grammar. To me there are just times in my writing process when I want to express More in a sentence than normal and so it is through my errors that I can. It’s not really professional and I do need to get out of my habits but I can’t help but be pleased that there are and where more of my kind, who where and continue to be willing to step outside the rules for a bit for the sake of our art.

when things go wrong

2010-07-08T13:48:00.000-05:00

Hello old friend it feels like it has been forever since last I posted. I’ve missed your comforting way of archiving my thoughts, fears, and growth. I can’t believe it’s only been like a week. I find it kind of funny that I didn’t get the job I was promised this summer, but yet I’m always doing something. You wouldn’t believe the things that have taken up my time since last we encountered each other. I got some college stuff done, it seems like I’m not too far from starting my life at what I believe is the best place EVER (but hey that’s just me). I’ve been taking care of my family, taking the grandparents to appointments, going shopping, running errands, chores, eating the summer fare of BBQ, and seeing all the things one desires to see during the fourth of July holiday! I sort of got wrapped up in the business of it all because that’s just what I’m used to. It was during the breath taking fireworks that I realized two things: 1. I’ve neglected you and my daily quotes that have provided me with so much comfort and 2. My little sister will be turning 18 in just a scant day. I don’t think I felt 19 until that moment. I can hardly believe that the little girl that used to follow me around will be a legal adult. I mean this is the girl I call Probie, who steals my clothes and brings them back in post apocalypse condition (I’m serious!). She used to fight over me with my brother and when she was 5 my mom had to explain to her that my name was not “sissy” (she reacted worse to that then she did when she discovered the truth about Santa). When it comes to her now she’s under the impression that her job is to be the thorn in my backside. So in other words we are the typical sisters. We know just what to say to set each other off and we often do. This brings me to my first catch up quote:
When things go wrong, don’t go wrong with them.
My mom always felt that it was important to have good communication skills, but don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect. I’m just used to dealing with people in a professional manner, so when the moments come when I must communicate with my younger sibling I find myself at a loss. It can be quite frustrating, sometimes I just want to go back to the sand box and often times behavior wise with my sister I do. One minute I’ll be the mature person and the next I’m the one calling the names. I love this quote because as I was reading it to myself my sister was fussing at me and instead of fussing back I just silently stood and looked at her. She waited a few moments for my reply and when it didn’t come she asked me if I had anything to say. All I could think to say was “Jesus bless you, have a great day”. This quote reminds me of the quote I used in my speech class “just because you can doesn’t mean you should”. I think I’m going to tape this quote on my hand until I can handle communication with her differently, it’ll be like training wheel with less bruises!

Hope and a future

2010-06-28T09:05:00.000-05:00

I did it again! I stayed up late… I’m talking I’m currently 10 minutes into a new day late. Today is a big day to me, today I enter into that adult world full force, today I get one of the adult responsibilities that is going to stay with me till I’m like thirty (if I’m lucky) and for this 19 year old that’s a long time. The truth is I’m a little worried, but I’ve learned my lesson! Instead of sitting here bombarding you with a bridge I’m not even at yet I went to my Judson quote box, for my quote of the day! Now I don’t know if you know this, but God has a sense of humor. For example, there was this one day where I was using words that aren’t very lady like and I told my sister that no one was going to make me stop. At which time I slipped and fell into a puddle of water. I had to look at the sky and say “correction God is going to make me stop”. My sister ran up to me and went “sissy did you fall?” to which I said “no God spanked me with gravity”. Any who with what I have to do today, I was getting worried you know the whole “is this really what I’m supposed to do” line of thought? Well I reach into the box that has my Judson quotes and I read my quote for the day……
“For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
I’ve read this quote many times before, but this time as I read the words it was like getting a great big hug, right when you needed it most. The truth is I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring for me, but I know this. Somehow some way I’m going to get through this. God is not going to give me something I can’t handle…without him. That my friend is hope, without it the smallest issue is like a world ending disaster. So I’m going to take my hope right on to Judson! I really wish I could start school right now! I mean Judson is so awesome! The first moment I got to campus I felt like this is home, this is where I belong. The people there are so amazing, even the squirrels have a personality! I had a friend who actually wrote a paper on Judson squirrels! There is just something about this place that you can’t find anywhere else. There is tradition is everything you do and the friends you make at Judson aren’t actually friends…they are sister that you keep for a lifetime! I can’t believe I grew up so close to this amazing place and didn’t know about it! I’m ready to start my life to live these plans for hope and a future.

I believe…

2010-06-28T08:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, in a way I feel I cheated. I stayed up all night working on the Judson blog application and writing my last post that I didn’t realize till a second ago that it’s a new day! A new day means a new quote and I really like this one!
Our daily lives testify to what we believe-Ruth Lee
This quote kind of reminds me of the saying that actions speak louder than words. Because we could talk about how we are one way until we are blue in the face but our actions really seal the deal! Like I could say I’m a vegetarian, but then I turn around and eat a big ole steak. That doesn’t make me a vegetarian then does it? It kind of reminds me of something one of my Sunday school teachers would tell us about being Christians and witnessing to people. He would tell us how our actions can contradict our witness. He would yell “I’m sorry your actions are speaking so loud I can’t hear your words!!” I used to laugh but now I take it for real. Think about it, sometimes we do stuff just to be cool right? It’s not really us being us we’re just trying to look cool so our peoples will think we’re “normal”, but in the end who are you helping? Seriously when your 40 are you going to look back at that moment and be like “yea I was so proud of myself” or are you going to shake your head in shame? In the end it is far better just to be yourself! Remember originality isn’t sold in stores! Don’t sell your beliefs to the highest bidder for the sake of cool. Hate to break it to you kid but that cool won’t last! Ha-ha I sound like my mom….hmmmm maybe she was on to something! Look seriously there is no one like you in this entire world, so march to the beat of your own super rare drums. Even if you jam to Cast and Crowns or Motown! Ok now that I’m done with that soapbox for the day! I was thinking today that it’s time to get rid of some things before I move to college. You know there are some things I’ve been hanging on to and it’s time to let go. Like that tacky school uniform, all those books, papers from middle school, that purple dress. I’m definitely not the girl I was a few years ago, so I don’t need the same things she needs. Well they said I would get here, never thought I would. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s a beat I need to go dance to!

Quotes to sooth is doubting heart

2010-06-28T08:55:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been told that before you have the legit right to judge someone you must first walk a mile in their shoes? Well if you were walking a mile in mine you would be walking on 4 inch stilettos on a rocky dirt road, yea it would be that bad. Maybe a few of you are at the same place as me, that place where you are making the transition to college. In all honesty it’s a scary place, for me it’s filled with doubt. Yea I know you’re shocked. But let’s be real shall we? With our economy the way it is and the fact that my family is unable to help me I’m getting an exclusive look at this “real world”, sometimes I’ll see the words LOAN in those big bold fonts and it just makes me want to run right back to kindergarten. But I’ve overcome so much to get here and there is no going back! I love my college don’t get me wrong I love it so much that I smile every time I talk about it. It’s just that there are times when I feel like I don’t belong simply because I’m too ……poor, but then I remember all the people I’ve know who had it worse than I did and they are living lives so much better because of college. I don’t want to make a mistake that could cost me everything, but yet this whole time I’ve been complaining have you seen me talk about God? God for instance gave me the abilities to get me into my dream college, God answered my prayers to raise my ACT scores, and God put the thought in the people at Judson that it was where I belonged. It’s so like me that I do everything under the sun before I’ll go to him and ask him for wisdom, yet he still delivers me from my problems. I can never seem to give him the glory he is due. So here I was deep in pity and worry mode going through the papers, seeing the cost of everything getting loan stuff ready when I found a letter from the Judson staff. It was pretty much a letter of encouragement and attached where these sheets of sayings to cut out and read one each day. So what better way to talk to you than to read you my sayings and work through this crazy world one Judson quote at a time! Our first quote you’re going to smile at the irony of, you ready?
Prayer is the link that connects us with God –Fairy Chism
When I read it I had to look up and go “yes Lord I hear you”. It was like those moments when you are in complete shame and the person who was right could totally go “I told you so” but they don’t, so you exist there in a state of humble. That’s what I am right now, never once did I turn to God and simply ask his wisdom. Sometimes I wonder if there is a certain way you’re supposed to pray, but then I read prayers in the bible and what I read comes from the heart, so when I pray I pray from the heart. Sometimes I pray when I’m driving I’m just riding down the road talking to God just like I’m talking to a Bestie. “God I’m totally nervous for the math test today, I know the teacher went over it with me but you know have I blank out, especially when it evolves formulas! If my life depended on them I would be like Indiana Jones trying to survive!” I love this quote; I think it is very fitting for this moment of my doubt. Thank you God and thank you Judson!

Peace Signs

2010-06-15T11:45:00.001-05:00

I have a trademark, it’s the peace sign. I’ve loved that symbol since I was 6 years old; now let’s take care of that elephant in the room before I go further. I don’t view it as most people do, I mean nothing religiously (I don’t wear it to church out of respect to my elders who view it as a crooked cross). But even though I try to consider the feelings of others I still get fussed at by people. It was during one of these fuss outs that I decided to explain the peace signs meaning to me. I discovered the peace sign 13 years ago; don’t ask me how or where I was 6. The only thing I remember from being 6 is that I was addicted to Pocahontas, Meeko the raccoon was my imaginary friend, and I told adults that when I grew up I wanted to love people (I still want that by the way). But for some reason I started wearing them and I never stopped. These days when ever I see it, it makes me smile. When I’m in those tough situations and I just want to be mean, I see the peace sign that I wear and I try to find the high road to take. To me the peace sign is just a reminder of the good I could do and the happiness I could cause. So the next time you see a peace sign, think of me. Your super rare friend on the other side of the screen, typing her heart to you.

“Carpe Diem! Seize the Day!”

2010-06-15T08:55:00.000-05:00

One Saturday night two years ago I was curled up on my couch watching a movie. It was a Robin Williams movie and I instantly fell in love with it. In the beginning he has his students’ rip out the introduction to their English textbooks (I so wish I could do this to math books). But anyway during the movie Robin Williams says a phrase that has haunted me for the last two years “Carpe Diem! Seize the Day!” after he said this I spent the rest of the movie wondering how I could “seize the day”. I’ll be honest with you my biggest fear isn’t death or spiders (not to say that I’m not afraid of these things). My biggest fear is that when God calls me home and I have a chance to ponder my life I’m afraid to discover that I have lived a wasted life. So I take every opportunity to live my life to the fullest. Sometimes it means meeting new people others it means stepping out of my comfort zone completely and doing something that I totally don’t think I’m capable of doing.
I found myself doing just that last fall as seniors and juniors alike flocked to some of our state’s College days. I was amongst many of the girls that drove up the road to Judson College to take a Scholarship test. I was nervous especially since part of the test had math. But then we got to the last part of the test, it was writing! Now there’s something I can do well! As the timer started for us to begin writing I looked around the room at all of these girls who where busy writing, their pencils were making music against the paper and I was completely blank. I didn’t know which prompt to write about that would best demonstrate why I should be given a scholarship to their college. It came to me in the form of Robin William’s voice exclaiming “Carpe Diem! Seize the Day!” Then I was off! I wrote on how I planned to seize that day after college and I have to tell you after it was over I couldn’t help but smile.
Another instance of seizing the day has been many of my school visits during the year. As a state officer for FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America), I’m given the opportunity to speak at many of the schools in my district. The only bad apart is that until this year, public speaking was way up on that list of things I was afraid to do. But whenever I would get scared I would remember Robin William’s character and suddenly I wouldn’t be so afraid. After time passed I discovered I’ve a certain knack for public speaking. I’m reminded of a quote I once read about how sometimes the things that are our greatest fear can be our greatest gifts.
Personally I consider my greatest example of seizing the day to be possibly the most daring thing I’ve ever done in my life. My family had my life planned out for me, what college I would go to, what I would study and what part of the workforce I would join. They had everything planned for me, and for a while this was great. I didn’t have to worry about not knowing what I would do with my life. There where only a few problems. The first was that I hated what they wanted me to be, I felt like that the moment I graduated I would have to change myself completely. The second was that I fell in love with another college and it offered the degree for the job I’ve always wanted. So I was faced with a huge decision, go with my family’s plan and be someone else or seize the day for the rest of my life. I decided I would rather try and risk failure at being who I am, than playing safe and being someone else.
So the next time you’re faced with the opportunity to seize the day, take it. It could turn out to be the best decision you’ve ever made. Now I’m not saying you have to go get a Mohawk or change your career. I’m am saying however that every blue moon you should step out of your comfort zone. Sure it’s a scary thing, but it’s very rewarding. You never know that while you’re in the mists of seizing the day, you could meet the most interesting person in the world -yourself.

individualism and the birth of Super rareness (how it all came to be)

2010-06-14T19:56:00.000-05:00

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines Individualism as the moral stance, political philosophy, or social outlook that stresses "the moral worth of the individual". Microsoft Encarta tells that Individualists promote the exercise of one's goal, desires, independence, self-reliance while opposing most external interference upon one's own identity, whether by society, or any other group or institution.
In better terms individuality is simply you being yourself, no compromise, no kick backs just you being the person you are. Seems simply enough right, in fact to be perfectly honest it seems downright dumb that I would stand before you and discuss you being yourself right? Let me ask you a question- by a show of hands how many of you when you where younger pretended to be something you’re not? How many of you lived a lie in order to seem better in someone else’ eye? Ok how many of you still does that? When you where in school how many of you dressed a certain way or bought certain things simply because that what everyone else was doing? Come on now be honest. If you raised your hand to any of this then like most people you fell victim to conformity. This doesn’t make you less of a person, in fact it makes you a kindred spirit to any person going through puberty. Now if you still do this then allow me to open your eyes to some truth. You only get one chance to ride the merry go round called life; wouldn’t you prefer spend it being yourself rather than the plastic mock up of someone else? Public speaker and Canadian author Kate Whitefield once wrote “within us is the potential for real greatness, the sky is not the limit, or else we wouldn’t have walked on the moon”
Once upon a time, not too long ago there was this girl, she was invisible unmotivated, and in her eyes worthless, she felt like she could do nothing with her life, She was picked on and as a result had a bad attitude about everything. Her school had this motto: enter to learn leave to serve. She had her own version: enter because I have to leave because I really want to! After a horrible and long semester of high school the girl decided that she would become a statistic and drop out, her older brother had done the same and life seemed easy for him. She began to fill out the appropriate papers and before she could turn them in fate stepped in. Fate came in the form a senior who had watched the girl struggle; she became the girl’s role model, she taught the girl about one of the most important tools she would need in life individuality.
After some time the almost drop out had come up with her own philosophy, she called it super rareness. The best way to describe super rareness is when everyone is walking around in plain white shirts and you bust out with this tie shirt never seen before! The girl decided she would use her philosophy to follow her dreams to take her to the top and then when she got there she would create a new top to reach, and inspire others to do the same.
Dr. Seuss one said “today you are you that is truer than true, there is no one alive who is youer than you.” Your individuality is just like your fingerprint, completely different from everyone else and always yours. The creator of the super rare philosophy faced major difficulty when it came towards her own individuality, but by simply staying true to herself and her values she was able to see what made her so special. There’s an old Yiddish proverb “If I try to be like him, who then will be like me?” if you base who you are on the glossy pages of a magazine and glamorous lifestyle of a music video then you are selling yourself short, Dr. Samuel Johnson _____was quoted in saying that Almost everyman wastes a part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, to gain applause which he cannot keep. One of the ways you stamp out your individuality is stepping out of your comfort zone.
If you’ve never stepped out of your comfort zone then I highly recommend you try it sometime. If you have every tired it, then you know all about the fear, and the butterflies that usually accompany such an action. It’s a real character building experience. When asked about stepping out of her comfort zone the Super Rare’s creator was happy to say “I make it a point to step out of said comfort zone once a week. Sometimes I fail…epically, because there are some things I was never meant to do. The flip side to this is that sometimes I discover a little more about the young woman that greets me in the mirror every morning”. stepping out of your comfort zone is a scary thing and at times it’s difficult, but remember the old saying it is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. When stepping out of your comfort zone remember to keep an open mind, develop a habit of mixing things up and for those times when an epic failure occurs remember all the epic successes. Stepping out of your comfort zone is like playing baseball you can’t make the move to second base if you keep your feet on first.
Poet William Ernest Henley once wrote I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul. By using your individuality you are the master of your fate. When you are able to tap into your individuality you have at your fingertips the power to do whatever it is you dream, you go from being the person that you saw in the mirror this morning to the person you see in your dreams. You know the saying leader of tomorrow? Well I ask you why wait? Why do tomorrow what you are born to do today? Your probably wondering whatever happens to the creator of super rareness, did she become famous, and do you see her on TV all the time? The truth is I can’t answer you that, not yet anyway. But I can tell you this, she did not become a statistic, she became an exception to the rule, and she stands before you right now.

Invictus (the last article i wrote as the student writer in Highschool)

2010-06-14T19:52:00.000-05:00

It’s almost here….that day that I have dreamt of, thought of, worked towards, and now at this moment I’m fearful of it. I’ve gotten some great advice these last few weeks and then again there are the horror stories, the ones where life does not get better after high school. So there I was Friday just me and my pre graduation thoughts. I had told my mom my fears about when I tell people I have dreams and all they tell me is they have bills, I fear that by simply graduating I would lose myself. My mom being the best mom in the world advised me that life is what I made it and reminded me that just like every other member of my graduating class I had come so far. She then handed me a gift, upon opening it I discovered a movie, "Invictus”. I watched the movie and felt inspired, the movie was written around a poem written by William Earnest Henley. When I read the entire poem I couldn’t help but remember all the things I had been through in the last 13 years. I thought about the bad times and the good times, and felt grateful for both because they made me who I am today. It was then that I realized the truth in a cliché. It’s not the destination, but the journey that’s important. So now instead fearing my graduation I look forward to it, another chance to discover more about myself.
Dear students of THS, I will miss you all very much. You have given me memories and lessons that I’m likely to remember till I’m old and gray. I hope that no matter what kind of time you have had thus far that you will make your remaining time at THS the best years of your life. Just remember a few things. 1. Teachers are heroes, every day that they teach us they are investing into our future. They put their everything in hopes that we will have a better life, so next time you see that teacher that has done so much for you be sure to give them a hug. 2. Your fellow students are your family, yea sure we put the fun in dysfunctional but where the times get tough family stays together. That’s the thing about family we may not have it all together but together we have it all.
Dear teachers, thank you for all that you have taught me. Thank you for late afternoons, for support on my long trips, and for all the wisdom you have given me. There is a saying on Mrs. Nichols podium, that teachers can either be the stone we trip on or the stepping stone and you all are defiantly steeping stones.
Dear seniors, never forget where you have come from but do not fear where you go, when times get rough say this to yourself “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” I wish you all the happiness in the world on our graduation day.
Finally I would like to say thank you to the times and all the readers who have read this article for the past few months. It has been an honor and a blessing to write for you.

pictures of the past (part of an article i wrote)

2010-06-14T19:50:00.000-05:00

I love pictures, there’s just something about being able to capture a moment in time that I find simply magical. For example I have this one picture of my brother sister and I, we were just babies my little sister was a cherry red month old baby. My mom had us all on the floor “bonding”. In baby terms that meant my brother and I where investigating the new bundle of joy to arrive at the our house, it’s a cute picture. Whenever I look at it I get a joyful feeling and that’s what I love about pictures, they are something so small but yet they evoke in us the strongest of feelings. Monday was one of those days of strong feelings. Monday morning students grades 9-11 where awarded for their achievements in the past year, there were so many awards that the ceremony ran over, to me this was a great thing. Monday night was senior awards night, walking in I found myself taken aback, I almost felt like this was graduation, my heart was racing and I almost ran into my bestie Ethan. Seniors where awarded for good grades, given scholarships, and recognized for all of their great efforts in high school. When they called my name for my Judson scholarship I found my hands shaking and my mind running in a million directions. After the ceremony the lights where dimmed and the memory show began, pictures of every member of the graduating class (baby, elementary, middle, and senior year). It was a light hearted event to such another stepping stone to graduation, to see that friend who was a ferbie on Halloween when they were 8, or the baby picture in the bathtub, or the perfect out of field softball hit. For every senior there where memories, each evoking strong feelings of yesterday and tomorrow.

And so it begins…..

2010-06-14T18:22:00.000-05:00

I have dreamed my whole life to be a writer; it comes from a strong wish for the world that’s inside this rare head of mine to be outside. I’ve been told that I’m good at it, but then again it came from the same people that told me when I was eight that the purple tight dress actually made me look good, years later I realized they lied…horribly. Maybe introductions are in order, I am me. Maybe we’ll get to names one day but let’s not rush this thing. Here are some things you need to know, I’m a different kind of girl. I’m what you would call a plus size goddess; yes that means I’m a big girl. I know how I got this way and I have no intentions to present you with excuses, I’m working to become healthy, not skinny mind you but healthy. I’m working hard to say “here’s looking at you kid” to the bad foods and “hello darling” to the good ones.
I’m an open minded kind of gal. I know that no one is going to be exactly like me and I love that fact about people. I love learning about different things in this world. I was raised to be a well rounded person, I’m not too afraid to ask questions. I come from a kind of place where sweet tea and small towns reigns king, oh that’s right I’m from the south. I love how I grew up, the thing is I might me a small town girl, but I’ve got the heart of a city gal. With that I feel trusting to tell you that I have been in a lifetime love affair with fashion and coffee. There is just something about fashion the ability of a pair of shoes or the perfect dress that make you feel ten feet tall. I’m enthralled by it, especially if I can find it on clearance (I have the uncanny ability to find deals).

There is one more thing I’d like to tell you about your author on the other side of the screen, I’m a Christian. Take it as you want. In our time together that fact will be something that shapes my life and thoughts. I’m a human being prone to mistakes, falls from grace, moments to which I won’t be proud. But I am what I am and I am so very lucky to have a God that loves me: mistakes and all. I pinky swear not to shove God down your throat, but I find it a joy to talk about him and to learn about him. If you are of a different religion or denomination that doesn’t mean I’m going to hate you, in fact I would like to learn our differences, I’m not into bashing or anything like that. All I ask is that you respect me and my views. I wouldn’t really consider these first two posts as what you can expect from me in the future, this is sort of my introductions and disclosure notice ( I come in peace ).

what would i say in more than 500 words

2010-06-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

Once there lived a girl and trust me had you know that girl and me you would call me a lie to say that’s who I used to be, that’s the beauty of growing up, we change who we used to be into the people we are. I have changed, because of God’s mercy, grace, and love. I would not have changed had it not been for god, my friends and family. I once held in my hands a drop out form with my name on it but in a month I will hold an advanced diploma (with college credits). I once looked in the mirror and hated what I saw and now I have to be told to stop smiling at the same mirror. I am the Super Rarest person on the planet there is no other like me. I love who I love by no reasons other than my own, my love has no conditions. I am a daughter of a human being, I love my momma with all my heart, she’s my big sister/ drill sergeant/ shoulder to lean on. I am a big and little sister (my older brother is in the army and my little sister slightly neglected partner in crime). I am friend to many and BESTIE to few (it takes a lot of patience to stand by me). I have loved but one soul in my life and at the time I thought it was one kind of love, but it turned out to be another (of which I gained a forever bestie).
I am at a cross roads in my life and am very unsure of what tomorrow brings but what I do know is that tomorrow I will still be a Christian, still be attending Judson in the fall, and will still be trying to live God’s purpose for my life, withier it be down the road or across the globe. I’m 19 and trying to be a real woman that people will be proud to know and love. This is me, I make no apologies no pretend perfection. What I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.