A few weeks ago I was on the phone with one of the college’s librarians, who was reminding me of my unspeakable crime against books and the entire institution of librarians everywhere: overdue books. The librarian treated it like a kind chat (she’s really kind and wise and very understanding) in my head I was fussing at myself for being twenty years old and being so irresponsible. After we concluded our business she sweetly asked of the status of my summer, and for some reason I honestly told her that I was disappointed by not being able to work and that I felt like I wasn’t achieving anything at home. I was expecting an “oh it will get better” or something along those lines, but instead she very wisely says that maybe there was a reason for this, that God has a plan. Since that phone call I’ve thought very often and deeply on her words. Though it wasn’t till today that the answer finally came; when it comes to the “gunfight” I mentioned in the previous post, well, let’s just say it’s started. Today I found myself seated across from my mother and had the most illuminating moment of why I’ve been unable to cross my line, why I’m not able to become who I’m meant to be. I’ve only allowed my present conditions to be blamed for my inability to cross. In other words, I’m facing my present problems and not my past ones. I’m only treating what’s on the surface not what’s underneath.
Underneath my problems are other problems that I would rather just forget, in fact that’s what I thought I did. To see them and feel them again was painful for me, I tried to handle it the best I could and was quite fearful to share those problems with even my mom. As I spoke of them for the first time in over a decade I realized the mark that those problems had left on me, I suddenly understood why I do some of the things I do. Behaviors that I’ve had for years and could never explain suddenly had a rhyme and a reason. Most of my life I’ve compartmentalized. This is my childhood, this is my teen years, in my mind I was almost a completely different person, and there was no need for all of that to be the same person. Now it’s all the same person. Those things make me, well me. My reflection carries not only who I am but who I used to be (metaphorically speaking).
In order for me to cross the line between who I am and who I want to be I have to accept all of who I am, from birth to present. I’m like an old Victorian house that’s been boarded up against the elements and people, I’ve built barriers to keep hurt and people out, and now it’s time for me to go through and take down the boards and barriers, to deal with my problems, accept myself, open my heart to many things. For instance: my relationship with my older sister, stop worrying about losing my amazing friends and just enjoy the moments that we are together, make peace with my dad, and to know that in spite of all that I am I am loved by a God so great and mighty.
My original intent was not to post this, I was just going to write it and save it. However as I typed this post Audrey Hepburn was singing “Moon River” and she reminded me that we are all after the same rainbow. So to that line that seems “wider than a mile” to me, just know “I’m crossing you in style someday”. Just know that when I do I’ll cross with all that I am.
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