Another piece has been broken and that line is so much closer.

These days it seems like for me to understand something, you have to show me and say it a few times. This applies in both my life and my education. Why? Because I’ve been able for YEARS to get away with memorization. When it comes to school work, just copy the teacher and I’m ok. When it comes to life just learn from other peoples mistakes. But when it comes to my faith I just can’t fake it. I dare not try anymore like I used to when I was a kid. I’m honest with people when I say I was raised with all those cliqued bible stories and I know a lot of REALLY good Sunday school answers. But now I know it’s not going to work anymore. One of the reasons I stopped going to church when I was younger is I grew tired of faking for people. I felt like it wasn’t real (now when I say that, I don’t mean I didn’t believe, I did and still do, I’ve always loved god and at times, feared him).


What I’m saying is, my family wasn’t rich we didn’t or couldn’t wear American eagle and all those other brands, things like this where important to the people that influenced me when I was younger. I just got tired of my entire faith being a standard of cloths, vacations, and being a perfect child in a perfect family. Years later I learned my childish flaw in this, I made my faith on the actions of others not my relationship with God. Now I’m more passive in my faith, in that I’m not super concerned with fellowship, because I fear that standard being put out again and I know that I’ll never meet that standard and I’m not so sure I ever wanted to. This is something I’ve come to regret, because now it feels as though church is like it was when I was younger, and if I did go back the people I knew so well they would be strangers. But I need fellowship now more than ever, so I think I’ll take that chance, because the only standards I’m seeking to meet is Gods. I can’t help but wonder at times, am I growing or am I degenerating?

Ok I don’t know why I just rambled like that because that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Today while at breakfast one of my friends ask me what I thought of missionaries. It was like a slap in the face for me. it wasn’t because of her question or it’s context it was because that one word set off a lot of things in me. Many years ago (ok about 5 years ago) I realized I wanted to be a missionary; I wanted to love people and tell them about Jesus and show them just a fraction of the love God has for us. I felt so passionate about it, that for years it was all I could think of. For years that one word lit my heart on fire and just the idea of it gave me so much joy that I don’t even think a Chanel dress in my size would. The only problem was, well actually there was a lot of problems. 1. It didn’t fit into people’s plans for my life. 2. Part of my family dislikes missionaries and will give long debates in their flaws. 3. I’ve always felt like you had to be another kind of person to do that job, because they aren’t worldly and I felt I was. 4. Finally I felt I didn’t have an adequate knowledge of the bible, I wouldn’t do it for fear I would do more harm than good.

So one day I just sort of gave up on that love and then I buried it. Whenever my youth group would go on mission trips I would always be busy or I couldn’t afford it. I tried to forget everyday they were gone, but I would always find myself thinking of it and I would pray for them and try not to be jealous. I have to admit I’ve done a fair job this year leaving it behind. I’ve avoiding going to things because I know that kind of thing would come up and I feared my response to it. Today however I couldn’t avoid it no matter how much I tried. It started at breakfast and it just never stopped. Every class I went to there it was. Finally in Old Testament it just sort of came about face. My heart was broken, I felt dissatisfied with everything in my life. I felt as though my worldly things just made me empty, nothing was satisfying this hunger. I don’t know what I’m going to do about this, because I still have problems. Problems 1 and 2 aren’t very much a concern of mine anymore. But 3 and 4 are more so now than ever. I see my flaws a little too clearly now, that I know with a faith like mine it just doesn’t seem like it would help anyone. Now usually I would be walking around in despair, but this much I know and it comforts me. God brought this up for a reason, just as he brings other things up. God has been good to me and to you, he has a plan and somehow this feeling on this day is a part of that plan. For now I know I will pray and have a little faith in this plan, whatever it will be. To be honest I’m a little hesitant to post this. Why? Because I usually don’t talk about my faith. I usually don’t like to show that part of myself to complete strangers. I have no desire to be a perfect Christian I just want to be a good servant. I just want to glorify him and try to be Christ like. My main hesitation is of the late, I’ve been told that this blog is me seeking attention, that I’m selfish and self-centered and I am my own religion. The truth is this blog is a journal of sorts and a message of sorts. I once read that we aren’t the first to feel the things we have, kind of like when you write a book or a paper, you know you’re not the first to write on the subject. So with that in mind I’ve made this blog. To say you are not alone. So there, here is, one of the longest post I’ve ever written to simply say: My faith is a little shaky, my heart a little bit stronger, my God so much greater, and my love still growing.